L4D Is Horrible Next To Benassi, But This'll Have To Do

Saturday was Benny Benassi @Zouk and I was psyched up to go down with some SMU pals, but (perhaps as should really have been expected) the plan didn't go through because Saturday is like two days before the exam week and most people can't put mugging off for some fun. It really sucks but that's just that, and while I love great music, I'm not hardcore enough to club on my own.

But I was too restless to stay home by then anyway, so I headed out nonetheless and was prepared to just hang around doing nothing much and maybe even gravitate towards Zouk subconsciously when Nathaniel gave me a buzz and asked if I was up for doing something that night. It seemed like a miracle so I asked him if he was keen on Zouk but he was totally off the idea, so we ended up playing Left 4 Dead until 4.30am instead. In the words (and tone) of Bear Grylls in my very own Man Vs Reality, "L4D is horrible next to Benassi, but this'll have to do."

We caught up quite a bit and updated each other on our lives, and I learnt that he had found himself recently when he had his 'purpose' figured out. I don't mean this in a religious sense and I often use the term purpose loosely. But when one is genuinely aligned with a sense of purpose, it is a truly profound feeling. It makes one wake up to each new day knowing that there's always something new to be done and somewhere to be headed. It makes the trials and tribulations of GPA-chasing miniscule. Everything is done with a renewed sense of vigour and meaning. Nathaniel found it when he rethought his plan in life and realized that sometimes, what people and society expect of you can make you lost and where you're headed unclear.

When I look at the friends I'm closer to (I suppose a good definition of this is if I would invite them to my wedding since I don't exactly have that many haha), most of them have attained some degree of actualization, and quite a few have already embarked on chasing their ideals. One is a yoyo performer and has broken into the emcee and stage scene. Another is pursuing a mass communications degree to venture into media and journalism. Yet another intends to set up a business. Those are all friends I made when I was much younger and in a very fascinating way, it could be that there was something about these people I was drawn to in the first place, whether I knew it or not. There were ideals and philosophies we shared that were bigger than the superficial details of whether we enjoyed doing the same activities or had the same social circles. All of them have a signficant degree of idealism they were prepared to give up a mediocre, average life for. This made them individualists, because to trade the norm for the purpose you passionately desire to achieve entails not drifting with the mainstream.

I'm really glad this is it for me and for all my buddies. This feeling sometimes seems to run parallel with the sensations of liberty in the way that those who appreciate it talk about it. "Like bones to the human body, the axle to the wheel, the wing to the bird, and the air to the wing, so is liberty the essence of life. Whatever is done without it is imperfect." How can living by the day being constantly pressured by social comparisons in school, via grades and the mere fact that everyone else seems to be studying, be a goal worth chasing? Study because you want to. This subjectivity isn't even a real one sometimes - it is a somewhat mindless fear of not keeping up with others one has perceived to be benchmarks of self-worth. It can sometimes be, to quote someone respectable, quite a diminished way to live.

RAWWRRR

This has been a great term for me as a couple of things have happened, and sometimes quite revelatorily.

In no particular order, the first (and possibly most significant because it might somewhat prelude the rest) is my decision to drop organizational behaviour and human resources (OBHR) as my second major and instead adopt political science as my second major.

This decision wasn't made overnight. In fact, the decision to pick up political science was possibly influenced from a long time ago when I started embarking more seriously on political and philosophical thought. Professor Rahul Sagar had probably quite a great deal to do with it, as the magical world of political sciences and history came alive under his introductory classes. I had always been fascinated by the discipline prior to university, but never thought I was competent or driven enough to dabble in it. I've even mentioned before that I worried that if I studied political science seriously, I would end up hating it. I started reading more related stuff after that and found that my thoughts on psychology, philosophy, politics and even economics had links and connections which I simply couldn't ignore. Those insights fascinate me so much that it would be a dream come true if I could just spend all my time deliberating on them.

Furthermore, the decision to drop OBHR was egged on by my growing impatience and intolerance towards business-related modules. I don't even really know where to begin on this. For one, bidding for OBHR mods was like a vomit-inducing process, because absolutely nothing fascinates me. Seriously, Training and Development? Human Capital Management? Management of People At Work? It takes some very specific passion to like and want to learn something like that and then apply it to work later on, and I know clear as day that I don't have that passion needed to do this. And nothing revolts me more than biting my lip and then putting a bid price down on choosing classes I've no drive to go for. It's too much lying to myself to get through, and I'm just not willed enough for that. Plus, I could really do without the next three months of feeling like I could've spent my time doing something else. On top of that, I've had far too many negative experiences with business-related modules and I'm too critical about it to pass off as tolerant of corporate behaviour (or even pre-corporate behaviour), so all I'm gonna end up doing, if my bids are successful, is to flunk all my OBHR mods. And I've really nothing against business, it's fine if there are people on the other side of the fence who think that social sciences is fluff, nonsense and intolerable themselves too, my disliking for business is just me and I've made my choice. I've sat through introduction to marketing and other business modules too and I can't see it without the critical glare of the social sciences getting to me, such as the psychological exploitation of the corporation that's going on, so I think I'm not just being narrow minded here and I've definitely made an informed choice.

The moment this drop-OBHR-do-political-science decision was made in my head, everything became a thousand times clearer. Everything I did and every decision I made suddenly had a boost of purpose. I went through the term doing social cognition, sociology of food and international political economy and I've never felt happier and more carefree studying. I did negotiation and conflict resolution too, the last OBHR mod I chose to do because I bidded for it before my decision to drop OBHR, and I was really lucky because I had the honour of studying it under an academically-driven professor, Dr Michael Benoliel, who was truly passionate about the subject and was honestly interested in imparting the knowledge of negotiations as a skill we can use in future to be successful in whatever we do.

Secondly, I did my internship at Pearson Education South Asia, which was the local publishing branch of Pearson. My time at Pearson wasn't the most pleasant, and I usually joke that if there's anything I really took away from my internship, it would be never to work at Boon Lay again. But Pearson became a valuable addition to my resume as it strengthened the perception of my competence in writing and in things related to media and publishing. If I don't make it in life, at least I know I'll always have editorial as a back-up job to do, which really isn't all too bad. It's great being able to earn money doing something you enjoy doing or don't have to put in effort for. In this case for me, it's writing and copy-editing (i.e. correcting people's English and grammar), something I would do anyway without remuneration. Just ask those I've frequently irritated by being grammar anal.

Next, I joined the social sciences publication team and, on what was really my whimsical suggestion, came up with the concept of Socscistan: the first ever faculty magazine for our very own social sciences faculty. During my stint there as a writer and illustrator, I wrote psychology articles and created designs, illustrations and comics for two issues, further cementing my credentials in the field of writing and publishing which will prove to be handy later on. Now as I begin move on into the twilight years of my undergraduate life, I've accepted the offer to take on the role of content editor for the magazine, and will be finding contributors rather than writing next time and deciding on the content for future issues.

With these events of my life in motion so far, I began to strongly give post-graduate studies a serious consideration. With my writing portfolio and aspirations to pursue academia, I decided to look at teaching and research assistant opportunities to bolster my experience and credentials, and strengthen my chances of applying for further studies through my academic resume and professor referrals. I ended up working with Professor Tobias Rettig on developing a website for disseminating information on the Declaration of Independence of Vietnam, and am looking at potential working opportunities with social psychologist Jennifer Tong and evolutionary psychologist Dr Norman Li. The potential of working with Dr Li is especially exciting since he's a figurehead in the academic industry now and I'm very interested in evolutionary psychology. Further, my articles on Socscistan also piqued his interest in the idea that I might co-author some work with him, so it won't all just be research assistantship. It is so exciting that I get goosebumps just thinking it. This whole process and situation where I'm immersing myself so deeply in interacting with like-minded people who are passionate about knowledge feels like home.

Just as things couldn't seem to fall more in place, SMU recently announced that it will be opening a PhD programme for psychology. Suddenly, everything seems to be falling so much in place and for the first time in my life I feel like I really have a place to be. It hasn't been easy holding on to these ideals while going through life where you're always told you should be doing something else 'more important' - study sciences, it's better for you; study business, it's better for you; don't waste your time thinking about 'unnecessary, unimportant academic stuff' that won't earn you money, it's better for you - and for once I've got a real career choice in research, writing and academia I can spearhead myself towards. We've been warned that it's going to be four years of non-stop research and academic work, but I could seriously do that happily every day; in fact I already am doing that right now being the geek that I am, just that undergraduate stuff such as exams and project work from elsewhere keeps disrupting my focus. Finally, this!

I had a great time bidding for next term's mods - evolutionary psychology and political philosophy - and I'm in such an anticipatory mood. I will also be going to Guizhou for SMU's first ever political science study mission where we will be studying development, underdevelopment and poverty in one of the poorest provinces in China.

School couldn't be any better, life couldn't be any sweeter.

What is, indeed, the icing on the cake though is that I have a wonderful sweetheart who believes in me and my dreams and wants to see me through all of this.

I Think, Therefore I Am; I Dream, Therefore I Become

In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy, crazy, crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy

Time and again I am prompted to revisit these thoughts about having dreams and passions in life to work towards, about finding something greater than yourself so that you've got a sense of purpose, about having something that you aspire to do or be, not something that someone else tells you that you should or shouldn't do.

I'm not trying to romanticise the idea that we should all have a dream (or dreams), especially for the glamour factor. The media tries to sell us that idea so often that people can end up having impractical, naive "passions" just for the sake of it. But on the other hand, there are just so many things that greater institutions dictate such that many of us lose sight of what it really means to be alive. It would be truly magnificent to see a nation of people step back and out of the dark to see for themselves beyond what we are told to see.

I live in a country where almost everything is fabricated, regulated and policy-driven - our sense of nationhood, our economy, and our goals and dreams. Maybe it isn't all that a terrible thing; we've probably progressed much faster in terms of achieving stability and growth compared to many other countries, which is remarkable for a young nation.

But we've compromised a lot in terms of building a culture that we can personally identify with, in the sense of being ourselves. And we can tell by the way we're trying to establish something here now after all these years, as we frantically pump capital and resources into our sports and arts sectors amongst other overlooked things thus far. We're finally opening up. I've seen more bands performing live concerts here in the past 2 or 3 years than ever before, Zoolander became legalised, the IR's on its way, and we're going to have F1 racing and many other things. We're pushing to become an arts and cultural hub. It's not a bad thing at all, but because it might be a little late, the inertia will be there.

From the way I see it, from the moment we're born, our purpose is clear - to become the nuts and bolts of the clockwork that is Singapore Inc. Anyone who tries to rock the boat gets marginalised, ostracised or incarcerated some way or other, especially when expectations are socially constructed, woven into the fabric of our daily lives and constantly reproduced in cyclical fashion. In line with attempting to achieve the ideal life that we're expected to achieve, we're given narrow paths to take in life; our choices are very much dictated by a greater order and it is very often not our own. I see this so often in people and friends who tell me that they're feeling lost, that they're getting the grades just to please their folks, that they just can't pursue what they like cos they can't afford to fuck up in the preliminary heats that lead up to the rat race. So, because of these things, it's hard to spare room for so-called 'frivolous passions' and 'pipe dreams'.

Just think about it. You wanna be a soccer player. But a part of you, so strongly ingrained, says you have to ensure that you graduate with some qualifications so that you can at least have a decent job if your soccer aspirations fail. It's things like that. And as long as such a mentality of the fear of failure exists, it is hard to give our best in other things. And it is yet still true that such fears are not unwarranted. It is almost like it's part of our national character to have those fears.

But life can be so much more than just being a statistic. You'd exist as a forgotten cell in an entity, but to truly live, this resides in finding something that is bigger and more important than you are and dedicating yourself to it. And this isn't a force-fed process - this purpose in life can only be purposeful if it's true.

Only then can we break away from simply existing and transforming into something of value, not for anybody, but for ourselves especially. We really could do with holding our dreams and passions dear even if it isn't easy to leave our comfort zones and be socially unconforming, and it is a worthwhile journey even if we do not succeed at them. We can then shed so many other material things that weigh us down and yet still feel more spiritually fulfilled.

I cannot even fathom how much better it could be for our society if we could all embrace what is truly important to us; to have more people that I could talk to who speak with a burning conviction of knowing that something matters more to them than just making sure they can stand in line. It is truly a joy to converse with people who have found a true sense of calling - there's always that spark in their eyes.

And when you have that kinda bottomline that really means something, then life is so much simpler. Life is only as tough, complicated or as lost as chasing after stuff that don't mean anything to you.

We are all born with wings but we are told to burn them along the way. Screw that. Spread them and fly towards the light that defines your destiny.




The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

Audio Candy:
Ice Nine Kills - The Greatest Story Ever Told

Place In Time

I've always wondered what it would be like to have everyone from a particular time your life in the past come back together again. Like for me, maybe 4E1 or 03S3A, with everyone back together in the same room, topped off with the same teacher(s) we had. I won't really know what to expect, except to describe any notion of anticipation about the whole situation as 'interesting' probably. If we could get off to any conversation at all without any hint of awkwardness, there'd be opinions we'd share now that we wouldn't have in the past cos time and age brings new insights and there'd be friends where there were enemies cos sometimes, we find that conflicts are really much more blown out of proportion than they should be.

Also, I really think that the friends we make now are very different from the ones we made last time. Back then in secondary school, it was okay to be yourself in all your innocence because you were young and retarded anyway and that kind of made the friendships established those many years ago a whole lot more innocent because the friends you made were real and came naturally, not because you had a false front or you had to know the person due to some obligations. Moving on from those years through JC to the army and, to some extent, the workforce now, you'll find that new friends are there because you have to work with them or that you had to take the bus with them everyday, and half the time you do have a facade put on for some form of impression to give when you first meet a person. Things are a lot more formal now than they were in the past and, of course, your old friends from school will be the only ones entitled to know in full colour the silly things you did, unless you're still unabashedly doing them now, and that really does make a difference as to the levels of emotional attachment between you and your friends.

That said, if, for example, I had known my acquaintance-level colleague now as a secondary school friend rather than as an office colleague, he might have been a close buddy to me, rather than just a mere acquaintance.

Things are really determined by their place in time. I do believe to quite an extent that 'fate', or whatever you might wanna call it, is quite intertwined with many other things we attempt to make happen to determine our destinies for ourselves. You could be the safest person alive but if a car decides to swerve off the road and careen off the kerb into your path, you were just doomed to die. And if you find that you've had all kinds of relationships but not one of them has lasted, the one probably just hasn't arrived yet and there's nothing you can do about it. Same goes for the purpose in life idea. I don't mean to stereotype or judge people but when I was in the army and in charge of my men, there were people who really had both the look and behaviour that simply screams aloud that they're just gonna be workers for the rest of their lives. That's their destiny and you can't force any form of enterprise onto them or get them to be a little more entrepreneurial simply because it's the 'better' thing to be or do. Afterall, some people are happier being off the frontlines of doing 'glorious' stuff, like finding new businesses and companies, and working quietly for their simple keeps.

I've always felt like I was more of a backstage person anyway. My work shines when I'm off the limelight and able to look at things from a step back. I don't aspire for any form of greatness, just as long as I'm happily doing what I like.

My dad's making me go for the special term enrolment, which is really messing me up at this point of time. I'm all prepped to fire back at this bollocks of an idea.




Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

Today's Listenables:
Saosin - Sleepers