Saturday was Benny Benassi @Zouk and I was psyched up to go down with some SMU pals, but (perhaps as should really have been expected) the plan didn't go through because Saturday is like two days before the exam week and most people can't put mugging off for some fun. It really sucks but that's just that, and while I love great music, I'm not hardcore enough to club on my own.
But I was too restless to stay home by then anyway, so I headed out nonetheless and was prepared to just hang around doing nothing much and maybe even gravitate towards Zouk subconsciously when Nathaniel gave me a buzz and asked if I was up for doing something that night. It seemed like a miracle so I asked him if he was keen on Zouk but he was totally off the idea, so we ended up playing Left 4 Dead until 4.30am instead. In the words (and tone) of Bear Grylls in my very own Man Vs Reality, "L4D is horrible next to Benassi, but this'll have to do."
We caught up quite a bit and updated each other on our lives, and I learnt that he had found himself recently when he had his 'purpose' figured out. I don't mean this in a religious sense and I often use the term purpose loosely. But when one is genuinely aligned with a sense of purpose, it is a truly profound feeling. It makes one wake up to each new day knowing that there's always something new to be done and somewhere to be headed. It makes the trials and tribulations of GPA-chasing miniscule. Everything is done with a renewed sense of vigour and meaning. Nathaniel found it when he rethought his plan in life and realized that sometimes, what people and society expect of you can make you lost and where you're headed unclear.
When I look at the friends I'm closer to (I suppose a good definition of this is if I would invite them to my wedding since I don't exactly have that many haha), most of them have attained some degree of actualization, and quite a few have already embarked on chasing their ideals. One is a yoyo performer and has broken into the emcee and stage scene. Another is pursuing a mass communications degree to venture into media and journalism. Yet another intends to set up a business. Those are all friends I made when I was much younger and in a very fascinating way, it could be that there was something about these people I was drawn to in the first place, whether I knew it or not. There were ideals and philosophies we shared that were bigger than the superficial details of whether we enjoyed doing the same activities or had the same social circles. All of them have a signficant degree of idealism they were prepared to give up a mediocre, average life for. This made them individualists, because to trade the norm for the purpose you passionately desire to achieve entails not drifting with the mainstream.
I'm really glad this is it for me and for all my buddies. This feeling sometimes seems to run parallel with the sensations of liberty in the way that those who appreciate it talk about it. "Like bones to the human body, the axle to the wheel, the wing to the bird, and the air to the wing, so is liberty the essence of life. Whatever is done without it is imperfect." How can living by the day being constantly pressured by social comparisons in school, via grades and the mere fact that everyone else seems to be studying, be a goal worth chasing? Study because you want to. This subjectivity isn't even a real one sometimes - it is a somewhat mindless fear of not keeping up with others one has perceived to be benchmarks of self-worth. It can sometimes be, to quote someone respectable, quite a diminished way to live.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
The Responsibility Of The Stranger/Not-So-Close Friend/Acquaintance
For anyone out there who is, at any time, a stranger, an acquaintance, or a friend who's just not-so-close, which is basically everybody, you have a responsibility. That responsibility is to not give sympathy-seekers any form of sympathy whatsoever.
I must admit that I, in part, do not like to give sympathy for various reasons, the biggest of which is that I feel most insincere doing so. Half the people out there do not deserve sympathy anyway, so why should I give it? The only time someone is deserving of sympathy is when it is not asked for. This rules out providing sympathy to anyone who is a sympathy-seeker.
Giving sympathy to those who want it will only make them desire it more, and especially so from you if you're someone they could get easy sympathy from. People who indulge in seeking sympathy do not seek to change themselves for the better, and in receiving sympathy will only strive to hunt it with an even more ravenous appetite in future. This will simply result in a world that is full of whiners who do not believe in progress and self-improvement to make things better.
Thus, the onus is on you, especially if you're not a girlfriend, boyfriend, next of kin or very close friend (to avoid any unnecessary trouble because of emotional complexities), to not give sympathy where it isn't due. By not giving these people sympathy, you force them to face their own problems and deal with them. If everyone could create the impression that there's no free emotional lunch to ride on, then there wouldn't be the expectation that wallowing in self-pity is a valid way out.
To falter on this responsibility is to endorse the idea that being stagnant is an acceptable place to be. To falter is to allow yourself to think that humans are permissibly pathetic.
I must admit that I, in part, do not like to give sympathy for various reasons, the biggest of which is that I feel most insincere doing so. Half the people out there do not deserve sympathy anyway, so why should I give it? The only time someone is deserving of sympathy is when it is not asked for. This rules out providing sympathy to anyone who is a sympathy-seeker.
Giving sympathy to those who want it will only make them desire it more, and especially so from you if you're someone they could get easy sympathy from. People who indulge in seeking sympathy do not seek to change themselves for the better, and in receiving sympathy will only strive to hunt it with an even more ravenous appetite in future. This will simply result in a world that is full of whiners who do not believe in progress and self-improvement to make things better.
Thus, the onus is on you, especially if you're not a girlfriend, boyfriend, next of kin or very close friend (to avoid any unnecessary trouble because of emotional complexities), to not give sympathy where it isn't due. By not giving these people sympathy, you force them to face their own problems and deal with them. If everyone could create the impression that there's no free emotional lunch to ride on, then there wouldn't be the expectation that wallowing in self-pity is a valid way out.
To falter on this responsibility is to endorse the idea that being stagnant is an acceptable place to be. To falter is to allow yourself to think that humans are permissibly pathetic.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Bantered
I had it pointed out to me regarding the Brotherhood > Sisterhood post that it is a highly debatable idea because since guys inherently lead practical lives, they cannot possibly form strong friendship bonds, or even friendship bonds at all among themselves. Because if guys are inherently practical and rational to that extent, they would be a lot more willing to compromise on their friendships over a higher goal, such as a job opportunity or some girl (debatable examples but you get the idea).
As the words to the Michael Bolton song go, If she is bad, he can't see it / She can do no wrong / Turn his back on his best friend / If he puts her down. Or if he tries to fuck with the dude's chances of getting the girl.
And the realisation that I actually buy the rebuttal hit me in a really funny way.
Yinz: "My nails are ugly! They're not as shiny as I wanted them to be!"
Me: "If those aren't shiny, I dunno what is."
Yinz: "Err. My nose?"
Mikaela: "Calling out to Teck Yeow-land, please return us our friend!"
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Audio Candy:
The Hint - I Want It To Feel Like Love
As the words to the Michael Bolton song go, If she is bad, he can't see it / She can do no wrong / Turn his back on his best friend / If he puts her down. Or if he tries to fuck with the dude's chances of getting the girl.
And the realisation that I actually buy the rebuttal hit me in a really funny way.
Yinz: "My nails are ugly! They're not as shiny as I wanted them to be!"
Me: "If those aren't shiny, I dunno what is."
Yinz: "Err. My nose?"
Mikaela: "Calling out to Teck Yeow-land, please return us our friend!"
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Audio Candy:
The Hint - I Want It To Feel Like Love
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Brotherhood > Sisterhood
Last night Joyce and I had the good ol' lengthy gender conversation and she said that she feels that sometimes brotherhood trashes sisterhood, i.e. friendships between guys are stronger than friendships between girls.
Consider some of the basic goals of girls and guys. Guys innately wish to compete with each other, and if they could, blast the heads off one another. So boys grow up playing with toy cars and guns and running around trying to kick balls better than their other dude friends can. Girls innately wish to establish peace among their kind, so they develop linguistic skills better and faster and play with dolls and the like; stuff of nurturing nature, so as to ensure social stability.
As a result, girls have better interpersonal skills than guys, and tend to form friendships more easily than guys do. This entails that girls end up becoming more patronising so as to preserve the social status quo.
So, with figures strictly for example with no scientific basis whatsoever, for maybe every 20 within-gender friendships that the average girl forms, the average guy has formed only 1 friendship. This can only mean that female friendships tend to be diluted across the vast number of friendships they have as compared to male friendships.
Furthermore, male friendships are borne beyond the need to kill each other. This means that the friendship is dusted, tried and tested. It is more than just a brotherhood; it is an alliance of sorts.
It is no surprise then when they say that girls generally end up doing a lot more backstabbing, since guys separate the 'mere friends' from the 'true friends' by stabbing each other on the front. A lot of female friendships are preserved for the sake of preserving them by my very narrow-minded view of them being patronising, paying lip service and leaving insincere "let's meet up soon!" messages to even the most remote of acquaintances just so as to appear friendly and civil.
Hence sometimes, when you exclude the few true female friendships among the weeds of many insignificantly smaller female friendships that a girl may have, there is nothing really special about her trying to preserve a friendship bond since it is, technically speaking, an instinctive priority to do so. Whereas when a guy does attempt to preserve a male friendship bond, it is often of extra care, effort, practicality or sincerity since it is not something he does naturally.
So the friendships that emerge among guys are more often truly friendships while the friendships that emerge among girls are more often just to fulfil a basic social desire to make less enemies. But the thing is that I don't blame girls for being this way - girls are just naturally social creatures.
I do not doubt that there are strong friendships among girls in sisterhoods too. But overall it really just seems that there's a general dilution among female friendships as compared to the few male friendships that guys may develop.
[Edit]
The rebuttal to this post is briefly outlined here.
There are two important days in a woman's life: the day she was born, and the day she finds out why.
- Elaine Cannon
Audio Candy:
The Hush Sound - A Dark Congregation
Consider some of the basic goals of girls and guys. Guys innately wish to compete with each other, and if they could, blast the heads off one another. So boys grow up playing with toy cars and guns and running around trying to kick balls better than their other dude friends can. Girls innately wish to establish peace among their kind, so they develop linguistic skills better and faster and play with dolls and the like; stuff of nurturing nature, so as to ensure social stability.
As a result, girls have better interpersonal skills than guys, and tend to form friendships more easily than guys do. This entails that girls end up becoming more patronising so as to preserve the social status quo.
So, with figures strictly for example with no scientific basis whatsoever, for maybe every 20 within-gender friendships that the average girl forms, the average guy has formed only 1 friendship. This can only mean that female friendships tend to be diluted across the vast number of friendships they have as compared to male friendships.
Furthermore, male friendships are borne beyond the need to kill each other. This means that the friendship is dusted, tried and tested. It is more than just a brotherhood; it is an alliance of sorts.
It is no surprise then when they say that girls generally end up doing a lot more backstabbing, since guys separate the 'mere friends' from the 'true friends' by stabbing each other on the front. A lot of female friendships are preserved for the sake of preserving them by my very narrow-minded view of them being patronising, paying lip service and leaving insincere "let's meet up soon!" messages to even the most remote of acquaintances just so as to appear friendly and civil.
Hence sometimes, when you exclude the few true female friendships among the weeds of many insignificantly smaller female friendships that a girl may have, there is nothing really special about her trying to preserve a friendship bond since it is, technically speaking, an instinctive priority to do so. Whereas when a guy does attempt to preserve a male friendship bond, it is often of extra care, effort, practicality or sincerity since it is not something he does naturally.
So the friendships that emerge among guys are more often truly friendships while the friendships that emerge among girls are more often just to fulfil a basic social desire to make less enemies. But the thing is that I don't blame girls for being this way - girls are just naturally social creatures.
I do not doubt that there are strong friendships among girls in sisterhoods too. But overall it really just seems that there's a general dilution among female friendships as compared to the few male friendships that guys may develop.
[Edit]
The rebuttal to this post is briefly outlined here.
There are two important days in a woman's life: the day she was born, and the day she finds out why.
- Elaine Cannon
Audio Candy:
The Hush Sound - A Dark Congregation
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Here It Goes Again
I guess I finally repaid my sleep debt today. Hahar I don't think I'm far off when I reckon that I slept less in almost the whole of the past week than some people have in one or two days, what with social science camp and Euro 2008 and friends all coming together to conspire zombie-producing late nights and early days.
During lunch at the Olio pasta restaurant in the French school for Angie's birthday, I learnt that lunch represents 'just friends', and dinner represents a 'date'.
Yesterday, Khairul, Leon and I hung out for a bit as all of us had stuff we had to do in town. Leon's been having his people-problems that stemmed from hall and he was unfortunate enough to be stuck in an awkward situation with one of those problem people while having dinner at Cineleisure. So dude was lamenting about how small Singapore was and why he doesn't like going out to populated places like town for fear of meeting people you don't wanna meet.
Leon later bumped into his old army colleague, and I actually knew the person too, though not personally. Khairul asked why I didn't wanna go say hi to him, and I just remarked that I didn't wanna be caught in a half-assed conversation with someone I'm neither here nor there with in terms of being friends.
I really get irked by typicality. You kinda know that generally, both parties don't really wanna be having that conversation. So I've decided that the key to surviving such episodes of meeting hi-bye friends along the subway is to ask the "Eh bro how's life!" question first. Because I hate answering such questions, and you get to be established as the really cheerful person in the superficial conversation.
Khairul suggested that to jackass the whole typical situation, when faced with a "how's life" question, you could actually answer, "life really sucks and I feel like killing myself." This is amusing in a jackass way on a few levels. Firstly, it is most unexpected, because the theoretical reply is to say that you're fine and then start thinking of ways to move on to wherever you're going to next. When faced with a suicidal reply, the person has to juggle the surprise, acting/being concerned and the shitty prospect of enduring a half-assed conversation that would drag on longer than expected.
Been busying myself with The Kite Runner, and with the designing of the Capoeira SMU t-shirt. The logos, if determined, would look something like these.
Another busy week awaits! And I've been forced into drawing up a schedule of sorts, however little of an organised person I am. Which, I suppose, does highlight the extent of my busy-ness.
Not much of a timetable but this is infinitely more than having none.
A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age.
Audio Candy:
Within Temptation Feat. Keith Caputo - What Have You Done
During lunch at the Olio pasta restaurant in the French school for Angie's birthday, I learnt that lunch represents 'just friends', and dinner represents a 'date'.
Yesterday, Khairul, Leon and I hung out for a bit as all of us had stuff we had to do in town. Leon's been having his people-problems that stemmed from hall and he was unfortunate enough to be stuck in an awkward situation with one of those problem people while having dinner at Cineleisure. So dude was lamenting about how small Singapore was and why he doesn't like going out to populated places like town for fear of meeting people you don't wanna meet.
Leon later bumped into his old army colleague, and I actually knew the person too, though not personally. Khairul asked why I didn't wanna go say hi to him, and I just remarked that I didn't wanna be caught in a half-assed conversation with someone I'm neither here nor there with in terms of being friends.
I really get irked by typicality. You kinda know that generally, both parties don't really wanna be having that conversation. So I've decided that the key to surviving such episodes of meeting hi-bye friends along the subway is to ask the "Eh bro how's life!" question first. Because I hate answering such questions, and you get to be established as the really cheerful person in the superficial conversation.
Khairul suggested that to jackass the whole typical situation, when faced with a "how's life" question, you could actually answer, "life really sucks and I feel like killing myself." This is amusing in a jackass way on a few levels. Firstly, it is most unexpected, because the theoretical reply is to say that you're fine and then start thinking of ways to move on to wherever you're going to next. When faced with a suicidal reply, the person has to juggle the surprise, acting/being concerned and the shitty prospect of enduring a half-assed conversation that would drag on longer than expected.
Been busying myself with The Kite Runner, and with the designing of the Capoeira SMU t-shirt. The logos, if determined, would look something like these.
Another busy week awaits! And I've been forced into drawing up a schedule of sorts, however little of an organised person I am. Which, I suppose, does highlight the extent of my busy-ness.Not much of a timetable but this is infinitely more than having none.
A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age.
Audio Candy:
Within Temptation Feat. Keith Caputo - What Have You Done
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
They Don't Live In Time Capsules
This is a post about stuff related directly and indirectly to 2 friends of mine, who have no relation whatsoever to each other (at least from what I know). This post is spontaneous, as with the thoughts that were conjured from thinking about these 2 people.
One was a JC schoolmate, a soccer team mate and a really all round good chum to me who left for Australia more than a year ago. We hadn't really been meeting up before he left anyway, so it's been a really long while since we last had something to share about, especially if you factor in the 2 years of army as well.
For me, he represents quite a bulk of the people I knew from a much different time compared to now. This sounds obvious, but when I somehow recall the laughs and stupid things we did fucking things up and stuff, it is so, so different it is seriously remote. There were stuff we talked about that I can't fathom myself talking about now (both in the sense of myself having outgrown talking about some of those things, as well as, when taking the audience into consideration, some things only those friends would understand and reciprocate), and there were things we were all doing that I thought would continue... Well, forever I guess. At least, I didn't think I would've stopped being who I was back then.
Yeh I know, it could've been anyone else from a past time who might've triggered these feelings, but that's just what I thought of in successive waves of memories when I saw him on Facebook and added him. Looking at his photos now, it's the seemingly unimportant yet tangible things that define how long it's been. I'm single, he's got a girlfriend now, I'm at SMU, he's studying in Australia, I'm like... I dunno. Playing soccer on and off, doing capoeira, studying in the faculty of social science, having new friends now who are hardly anything like the friends I had last time coming from a neighbourhood school-ish background. And he's having quite an illustrious 'career' as a church group leader. It is all quite fascinating in a pointless way.
The other, much sadder case, is my ex-neighbour. When I was in primary school, she and I used to wait for the school bus at the void deck near the lift. I think she was 1 or 2 years younger than me. We hardly talked - it was our moms who were the bridging factors as always, as they conversed heartily about anything from rising prices of toufu to how school exam papers are getting weirder (they still are when I look at my brother's homework) to their layman interpretations of government policies. I only briefly recall a few instances when I talked to her. There was once I was locked out after coming home from school cos my mom was late coming back, so I hung out at her place for a bit and played some gay toys with her. When we were a little older, like 12 or 13, we were both from Mavis Tutorial Centre, so there were times I spoke to her a little when I saw her around.
But I recall her as a really respectful girl. She'd always call me 'kor', as if her parents had ordered her to do that, or she might've just called me that cos she felt like it or something. And we'd say hi when we saw each other around the block. But then around the age of 16 or 17, I shifted out a couple of blocks away, and I haven't seen her ever since.
Today, my mom bumped into her parents for once in a long while, and found out about her and told me. Apparently, cos she's 1 or 2 years younger, she should be in university by now. She's a bright student. But because she is suffering from a mental disorder, which I would later find out to be obsessive compulsive disorder, she has been stuck in polytechnic for 5 years. Her folks are really sad. And I instantly felt sad upon hearing it because it is really shocking to realise how things have turned out this way.
I ponder quite a bit along the lines of disabled people and of people afflicted with chronic illnesses that severely disrupt their livelihoods every now and then, because it is something that is easy to brush aside simply because it doesn't affect you. It isn't particularly anything specific that I think of - rather, it's just an overarching view that life isn't fair. I see a young guy in a wheelchair struggling to board a bus. I see deaf and dumb people signalling to each other on the train. These people will never get to experience life the way that most of us know, appreciate and enjoy. And the hard fact of the matter is that some of these people, if I were to be sympathetic, hardly deserved any of this. Imagine you were born this way. I'll bring it down to shallower terms for most people to understand. Hell, you wouldn't be able to have a favourite sport. You have half your job prospects removed. Finding a girlfriend would be a real bitch. You might even die a virgin. And half the time you are expected to say positive things like, "it ain't so bad!" Just so that your loved ones, and maybe yourself, would be convinced that you're okay. I'm not saying afflicted people aren't okay. But there are just all these things.
While I know that if we all kept thinking in such a pessimistic manner, none of us would be moving through life the way we should. But this is the perfect challenge to my personal ideal of anything being as bad as you'd only allow it to be. If I were to be afflicted with a disability, would I be able to say so clearly this way anymore? I've always believed that my mind is stronger than my heart, not that I like it this way sometimes, but would this crumble everything that I am?
I would like to meet these 2 friends of mine someday again.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Audio Candy:
You Am I - Berlin Chair
One was a JC schoolmate, a soccer team mate and a really all round good chum to me who left for Australia more than a year ago. We hadn't really been meeting up before he left anyway, so it's been a really long while since we last had something to share about, especially if you factor in the 2 years of army as well.
For me, he represents quite a bulk of the people I knew from a much different time compared to now. This sounds obvious, but when I somehow recall the laughs and stupid things we did fucking things up and stuff, it is so, so different it is seriously remote. There were stuff we talked about that I can't fathom myself talking about now (both in the sense of myself having outgrown talking about some of those things, as well as, when taking the audience into consideration, some things only those friends would understand and reciprocate), and there were things we were all doing that I thought would continue... Well, forever I guess. At least, I didn't think I would've stopped being who I was back then.
Yeh I know, it could've been anyone else from a past time who might've triggered these feelings, but that's just what I thought of in successive waves of memories when I saw him on Facebook and added him. Looking at his photos now, it's the seemingly unimportant yet tangible things that define how long it's been. I'm single, he's got a girlfriend now, I'm at SMU, he's studying in Australia, I'm like... I dunno. Playing soccer on and off, doing capoeira, studying in the faculty of social science, having new friends now who are hardly anything like the friends I had last time coming from a neighbourhood school-ish background. And he's having quite an illustrious 'career' as a church group leader. It is all quite fascinating in a pointless way.
The other, much sadder case, is my ex-neighbour. When I was in primary school, she and I used to wait for the school bus at the void deck near the lift. I think she was 1 or 2 years younger than me. We hardly talked - it was our moms who were the bridging factors as always, as they conversed heartily about anything from rising prices of toufu to how school exam papers are getting weirder (they still are when I look at my brother's homework) to their layman interpretations of government policies. I only briefly recall a few instances when I talked to her. There was once I was locked out after coming home from school cos my mom was late coming back, so I hung out at her place for a bit and played some gay toys with her. When we were a little older, like 12 or 13, we were both from Mavis Tutorial Centre, so there were times I spoke to her a little when I saw her around.
But I recall her as a really respectful girl. She'd always call me 'kor', as if her parents had ordered her to do that, or she might've just called me that cos she felt like it or something. And we'd say hi when we saw each other around the block. But then around the age of 16 or 17, I shifted out a couple of blocks away, and I haven't seen her ever since.
Today, my mom bumped into her parents for once in a long while, and found out about her and told me. Apparently, cos she's 1 or 2 years younger, she should be in university by now. She's a bright student. But because she is suffering from a mental disorder, which I would later find out to be obsessive compulsive disorder, she has been stuck in polytechnic for 5 years. Her folks are really sad. And I instantly felt sad upon hearing it because it is really shocking to realise how things have turned out this way.
I ponder quite a bit along the lines of disabled people and of people afflicted with chronic illnesses that severely disrupt their livelihoods every now and then, because it is something that is easy to brush aside simply because it doesn't affect you. It isn't particularly anything specific that I think of - rather, it's just an overarching view that life isn't fair. I see a young guy in a wheelchair struggling to board a bus. I see deaf and dumb people signalling to each other on the train. These people will never get to experience life the way that most of us know, appreciate and enjoy. And the hard fact of the matter is that some of these people, if I were to be sympathetic, hardly deserved any of this. Imagine you were born this way. I'll bring it down to shallower terms for most people to understand. Hell, you wouldn't be able to have a favourite sport. You have half your job prospects removed. Finding a girlfriend would be a real bitch. You might even die a virgin. And half the time you are expected to say positive things like, "it ain't so bad!" Just so that your loved ones, and maybe yourself, would be convinced that you're okay. I'm not saying afflicted people aren't okay. But there are just all these things.
While I know that if we all kept thinking in such a pessimistic manner, none of us would be moving through life the way we should. But this is the perfect challenge to my personal ideal of anything being as bad as you'd only allow it to be. If I were to be afflicted with a disability, would I be able to say so clearly this way anymore? I've always believed that my mind is stronger than my heart, not that I like it this way sometimes, but would this crumble everything that I am?
I would like to meet these 2 friends of mine someday again.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Audio Candy:
You Am I - Berlin Chair
Friday, 14 March 2008
The Window Period and Strategic Distance (Some Extrapolated Ladder Theory Shit)
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
I think I should clearly define that by the term 'friend' I mean anyone who isn't a potential. A potential is basically someone you'd:
- date romantically (the conversative definition)
- wanna have sex with (what hardcore Darwinists and biology fundamentalists would assert)
But yeh if you get what I mean, you would contend that the definition of a 'friend' by those 2 facets essentially lead to or mean the same thing. For those initiated on the ladder theory principle, I won't bother touching on whether guys have 2 ladders or not. We'll just remain generic here.
I think that when you get to know someone of the opposite gender for the first time, there exists a window period where you can either progress romantically or as a friend. Once that window shuts off and the both of you become solidified as 'just friends', chances are... Well, there ain't such a clear chance anymore. Or at least, it's gonna be quite hard to break out of the 'friends' cage towards being potentials again.
I somehow feel that this is because as long you and that person are not exactly solidified as friends yet, the both of you can still afford to be 'formal' and hence flirty. When you are truly friends with someone, in the sense of being in the same clique or social group, you will begin to treat him or her more as a sibling. I think the key factor here that you have to be in a certain position which is like being strategically distant. Hence, you are not close enough to be obligated to treat the person as a friend in the sense of like the both of you always calling each other once lessons are over cos you need someone to hang out with while you eat or mug.
When that happens, in natural progression, you will end up taking the emotional connection for granted of sorts. I don't mean to say this in a bad way, but it happens and is normal. You will be less 'friendly' in an I-just-got-to-know-you way and you will treat each other in a hey-we're-really-buddies kinda way. You will then find that there's a certain change in behaviour to each other - you expect favours, or you expect money to be returned, for example. The chances of you being awkward in each other's company is reduced as well.
If the both of you are still in the window period where you still haven't progressed towards settling as a friend or potential, you would be more patronising; i.e. you will be more helpful in a formal way, you will talk about very generic stuff, you will tend to crack (what you'd think are) 'cool' jokes rather than acting outright stupid or lame when exercising humour. I think it's really all these little things.
Then when the person settles into being your potential, then of course what happens from here is up to you. I guess what I'm trying to say so far is that when it comes to meeting new people, there's a window period and friends in this window period, who are basically new friends, may seem more potential than friends but are in fact in a transitional period of 'strategic distance'. This strategic distance then allows you to decide what you wanna do which will influence eventually whether the person becomes a friend or potential to you.
This window period doesn't have a fixed length of time as well. Some people end up being relegated to friend status faster than others. Briefly touching on this, for example, if you tend to be quite an ass-prick but you're still a dependable person by nature, then perhaps your non-committal allure would make it harder for you to simply become a friend. Whereas if you're always nice and helpful and easily taken for granted, then you become a friend easily. This is of the niceguysfinishlast variety. But, moving on.
Along those lines, one thing that strikes me as quite true of the ladder theory is that unfortunately for most people, you do not know which ladder you're on, i.e. whether you're a friend or potential. To attempt to romantically hook up someone who treats you as a friend would mean ladder-hopping, and if you're unsuccessful, you will often fall off and end up in the abyss of awkwardness.
I don't really have anything to conclude on something I didn't know what I was touching on for in the first place, other than perhaps saying that I was prompted to write this after reading that quote I found online up there, and also thinking about the transitional window period before the solidification into being a friend or potential and my idea of 'strategic distance', which is one of the more interesting conversational topics I've had with friends. So I guess to end off, whether this is relevant or not, in the triangle of the estranged couple and the inevitable bystander nice guy, I'd just like to give a random salute to the bystander nice guy whom the girl in the sour relationship counts on to pour out her sorrow. He's doomed to being relegated to her friends ladder.
Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Audio Candy:
Incubus - Warning
Monday, 11 June 2007
In the dark, I grabbed my popcorn box and felt what I thought was a rubberband until it started wriggling like a madfuck that I realised it was a house lizard and threw it reflexively, making me feel quite gay thereafter. But it sure proves the adage that sometimes, the less you try to get something, the easier it comes to you.
The Lifestyle paper on Sunday had an unfuckinbelievable (UFB) article about the two girls with 16k friends from Friendster and Myspace. What was more UFB was the girl who said "who only has 1000 friends? [sic]". I'm not really questioning the possibility of their acquisition of 16000 'friends' and I think there has been more than enough commentary from the rest of the world pertaining to what's quite ostensibly wrong with the picture. But damn, for the Lifestyle section of our national paper! Is there such dire desperation for a frontpage angle?
One of the sisters even goes on to say that she once spent a whole week staying at home all day surfing Friendster. It is so mind-boggling that I am quite stumped by the incredulity of it all, and not by anything specific in particular. I suppose you could say they're Xiaxue's saving graces. Haha. Oh well as it goes, publicity, good or bad, still is publicity afterall.
Here's a little pointer to add to Friendster 101 that I somehow came up with while talking to Richard:
If you are at a girl's profile and there is a picture of her and her friend as her default picture and you do not know which one of them in the photo is her, chances are the better looking one is. *note: generic statement ahead* A girl would rather die than put up an unglam and, quite possibly, inferior photo of herself especially when she is in the company of other females in the same picture.
The folks are back, the crazy's been sobered up and everything's back to routine once again. It can be nice. I can't quite recall significantly what I've been up to this week, other than remembering the rather random meetups throughout the week with Nat, Richard, Ahmad, Dudley and Leon which summed up to be rather mediocre in terms of any specific developments in particular. There was a more interesting meet up involving Nat, Maxi and Cherene where I had my virgin trip to Minds Cafe and the game of Taboo (where Nat and I formed a very formidable partnership that saw us busting really insane words I can't quite put a finger to at the moment), but otherwise I guess I'm mostly waiting for school to start next monday, whether I'm consciously aware of it or not.
In the background of my daily routines I've been doing quite a fair bit of reading, mostly online. I saw a message posted on a forum thread in Funkygrad that pretty much hit the nail on the head:
"I looked through NUS's and NTU programs and I think both instuitions offer pretty adequate courses. But NTU's career aspect page on psychology seems rather narrow-minded. It's really more than just counseling individuals. This is the most loathed stereotype in the field of psychology. Much like how people think that mechanical engineering majors must know how to replace a connecting rod in a IC engine."
Other read ups:
Quantum physics and consciousness (I'd love to elaborate on this but another time)
Singapore as described in WikiTravel (every true blue red-dotter must read this!)Investments/stocks/etc (BLEAH.)
Movie analyses (namely Superman, The Skeleton Key and The Princess Blade)
And well... A little bit of 300 too but in a much less serious sense:
300 Will Transcend Pop Culture (taken from format.me)
“I haven’t seen 300 yet because I was banned from my cineplex. We had all lined up in front of the theater for about 30 minutes, and then they brought us in. I had to stand right beside these two fat, horse-faced lesbians eating each other’s tongues like they were making a political statement or something. So, like 30 minutes later, we end up shuffling in the theater and these fucking bitches start bitching about having to wait when the movie is about to start, mind you, it was 11 and it was a midnight showing. It turns out they were going to see that stupid Jim Carrey movie 23 and they were missing it. So, the ugliest of the two bitches just exclaims like no one’s there “This is the wrong fucking movie!” I just had to do what I did next. I shouted at the top of my lungs “This is SPARTA!!” and kicked her in the chest, causing her to fall down about 8 steps to the floor. Some were shocked, but about 80% of the theater started to cheer, and I was forcibly thrown out by 2 officers. Charges are going to be pressed against me apparently, but it was worth it.” (this is a very popular anecdote that is widely circulated on the internet now)
“My girlfriend entered the room 10 minutes after the movie was over and asked me where are we going to eat. THAT IS REALLY BAD LUCK! you know what happened. I basically went crazy smashing a chair to the wall and yelling TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!. A small amount of saliva on the corner of my mouth and the mad-man look completed this gruesome scene to the point that she started to cry asking wheter she did something wrong.”
And this from Likoon and Mr Brown:
Officer, in a dignified manner: "NS men!! Enjoy your breakfast, for tonight, we dine in hell!!!!!!"
NS man with the typical Singaporean uncle accent: "Sir, you mean cookhouse ah?"
ROFL.
Youth is wasted on the young.- George Bernard Shaw
Today's Listenables:
Within Temptation - Forgiven
The Lifestyle paper on Sunday had an unfuckinbelievable (UFB) article about the two girls with 16k friends from Friendster and Myspace. What was more UFB was the girl who said "who only has 1000 friends? [sic]". I'm not really questioning the possibility of their acquisition of 16000 'friends' and I think there has been more than enough commentary from the rest of the world pertaining to what's quite ostensibly wrong with the picture. But damn, for the Lifestyle section of our national paper! Is there such dire desperation for a frontpage angle?
One of the sisters even goes on to say that she once spent a whole week staying at home all day surfing Friendster. It is so mind-boggling that I am quite stumped by the incredulity of it all, and not by anything specific in particular. I suppose you could say they're Xiaxue's saving graces. Haha. Oh well as it goes, publicity, good or bad, still is publicity afterall.
Here's a little pointer to add to Friendster 101 that I somehow came up with while talking to Richard:
If you are at a girl's profile and there is a picture of her and her friend as her default picture and you do not know which one of them in the photo is her, chances are the better looking one is. *note: generic statement ahead* A girl would rather die than put up an unglam and, quite possibly, inferior photo of herself especially when she is in the company of other females in the same picture.
The folks are back, the crazy's been sobered up and everything's back to routine once again. It can be nice. I can't quite recall significantly what I've been up to this week, other than remembering the rather random meetups throughout the week with Nat, Richard, Ahmad, Dudley and Leon which summed up to be rather mediocre in terms of any specific developments in particular. There was a more interesting meet up involving Nat, Maxi and Cherene where I had my virgin trip to Minds Cafe and the game of Taboo (where Nat and I formed a very formidable partnership that saw us busting really insane words I can't quite put a finger to at the moment), but otherwise I guess I'm mostly waiting for school to start next monday, whether I'm consciously aware of it or not.
In the background of my daily routines I've been doing quite a fair bit of reading, mostly online. I saw a message posted on a forum thread in Funkygrad that pretty much hit the nail on the head:
"I looked through NUS's and NTU programs and I think both instuitions offer pretty adequate courses. But NTU's career aspect page on psychology seems rather narrow-minded. It's really more than just counseling individuals. This is the most loathed stereotype in the field of psychology. Much like how people think that mechanical engineering majors must know how to replace a connecting rod in a IC engine."
Other read ups:
Quantum physics and consciousness (I'd love to elaborate on this but another time)
Singapore as described in WikiTravel (every true blue red-dotter must read this!)Investments/stocks/etc (BLEAH.)
Movie analyses (namely Superman, The Skeleton Key and The Princess Blade)
And well... A little bit of 300 too but in a much less serious sense:
300 Will Transcend Pop Culture (taken from format.me)
“I haven’t seen 300 yet because I was banned from my cineplex. We had all lined up in front of the theater for about 30 minutes, and then they brought us in. I had to stand right beside these two fat, horse-faced lesbians eating each other’s tongues like they were making a political statement or something. So, like 30 minutes later, we end up shuffling in the theater and these fucking bitches start bitching about having to wait when the movie is about to start, mind you, it was 11 and it was a midnight showing. It turns out they were going to see that stupid Jim Carrey movie 23 and they were missing it. So, the ugliest of the two bitches just exclaims like no one’s there “This is the wrong fucking movie!” I just had to do what I did next. I shouted at the top of my lungs “This is SPARTA!!” and kicked her in the chest, causing her to fall down about 8 steps to the floor. Some were shocked, but about 80% of the theater started to cheer, and I was forcibly thrown out by 2 officers. Charges are going to be pressed against me apparently, but it was worth it.” (this is a very popular anecdote that is widely circulated on the internet now)
“My girlfriend entered the room 10 minutes after the movie was over and asked me where are we going to eat. THAT IS REALLY BAD LUCK! you know what happened. I basically went crazy smashing a chair to the wall and yelling TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!. A small amount of saliva on the corner of my mouth and the mad-man look completed this gruesome scene to the point that she started to cry asking wheter she did something wrong.”
And this from Likoon and Mr Brown:
Officer, in a dignified manner: "NS men!! Enjoy your breakfast, for tonight, we dine in hell!!!!!!"
NS man with the typical Singaporean uncle accent: "Sir, you mean cookhouse ah?"
ROFL.
Youth is wasted on the young.- George Bernard Shaw
Today's Listenables:
Within Temptation - Forgiven
Monday, 26 February 2007
Place In Time
I've always wondered what it would be like to have everyone from a particular time your life in the past come back together again. Like for me, maybe 4E1 or 03S3A, with everyone back together in the same room, topped off with the same teacher(s) we had. I won't really know what to expect, except to describe any notion of anticipation about the whole situation as 'interesting' probably. If we could get off to any conversation at all without any hint of awkwardness, there'd be opinions we'd share now that we wouldn't have in the past cos time and age brings new insights and there'd be friends where there were enemies cos sometimes, we find that conflicts are really much more blown out of proportion than they should be.
Also, I really think that the friends we make now are very different from the ones we made last time. Back then in secondary school, it was okay to be yourself in all your innocence because you were young and retarded anyway and that kind of made the friendships established those many years ago a whole lot more innocent because the friends you made were real and came naturally, not because you had a false front or you had to know the person due to some obligations. Moving on from those years through JC to the army and, to some extent, the workforce now, you'll find that new friends are there because you have to work with them or that you had to take the bus with them everyday, and half the time you do have a facade put on for some form of impression to give when you first meet a person. Things are a lot more formal now than they were in the past and, of course, your old friends from school will be the only ones entitled to know in full colour the silly things you did, unless you're still unabashedly doing them now, and that really does make a difference as to the levels of emotional attachment between you and your friends.
That said, if, for example, I had known my acquaintance-level colleague now as a secondary school friend rather than as an office colleague, he might have been a close buddy to me, rather than just a mere acquaintance.
Things are really determined by their place in time. I do believe to quite an extent that 'fate', or whatever you might wanna call it, is quite intertwined with many other things we attempt to make happen to determine our destinies for ourselves. You could be the safest person alive but if a car decides to swerve off the road and careen off the kerb into your path, you were just doomed to die. And if you find that you've had all kinds of relationships but not one of them has lasted, the one probably just hasn't arrived yet and there's nothing you can do about it. Same goes for the purpose in life idea. I don't mean to stereotype or judge people but when I was in the army and in charge of my men, there were people who really had both the look and behaviour that simply screams aloud that they're just gonna be workers for the rest of their lives. That's their destiny and you can't force any form of enterprise onto them or get them to be a little more entrepreneurial simply because it's the 'better' thing to be or do. Afterall, some people are happier being off the frontlines of doing 'glorious' stuff, like finding new businesses and companies, and working quietly for their simple keeps.
I've always felt like I was more of a backstage person anyway. My work shines when I'm off the limelight and able to look at things from a step back. I don't aspire for any form of greatness, just as long as I'm happily doing what I like.
My dad's making me go for the special term enrolment, which is really messing me up at this point of time. I'm all prepped to fire back at this bollocks of an idea.
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
Today's Listenables:
Saosin - Sleepers
Also, I really think that the friends we make now are very different from the ones we made last time. Back then in secondary school, it was okay to be yourself in all your innocence because you were young and retarded anyway and that kind of made the friendships established those many years ago a whole lot more innocent because the friends you made were real and came naturally, not because you had a false front or you had to know the person due to some obligations. Moving on from those years through JC to the army and, to some extent, the workforce now, you'll find that new friends are there because you have to work with them or that you had to take the bus with them everyday, and half the time you do have a facade put on for some form of impression to give when you first meet a person. Things are a lot more formal now than they were in the past and, of course, your old friends from school will be the only ones entitled to know in full colour the silly things you did, unless you're still unabashedly doing them now, and that really does make a difference as to the levels of emotional attachment between you and your friends.
That said, if, for example, I had known my acquaintance-level colleague now as a secondary school friend rather than as an office colleague, he might have been a close buddy to me, rather than just a mere acquaintance.
Things are really determined by their place in time. I do believe to quite an extent that 'fate', or whatever you might wanna call it, is quite intertwined with many other things we attempt to make happen to determine our destinies for ourselves. You could be the safest person alive but if a car decides to swerve off the road and careen off the kerb into your path, you were just doomed to die. And if you find that you've had all kinds of relationships but not one of them has lasted, the one probably just hasn't arrived yet and there's nothing you can do about it. Same goes for the purpose in life idea. I don't mean to stereotype or judge people but when I was in the army and in charge of my men, there were people who really had both the look and behaviour that simply screams aloud that they're just gonna be workers for the rest of their lives. That's their destiny and you can't force any form of enterprise onto them or get them to be a little more entrepreneurial simply because it's the 'better' thing to be or do. Afterall, some people are happier being off the frontlines of doing 'glorious' stuff, like finding new businesses and companies, and working quietly for their simple keeps.
I've always felt like I was more of a backstage person anyway. My work shines when I'm off the limelight and able to look at things from a step back. I don't aspire for any form of greatness, just as long as I'm happily doing what I like.
My dad's making me go for the special term enrolment, which is really messing me up at this point of time. I'm all prepped to fire back at this bollocks of an idea.
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
Today's Listenables:
Saosin - Sleepers
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