Unbridled

Jose: "As much as I hate doing it, complaining about the army is like a guilty pleasure."
Leon: "At least we're complaining about something. Girls complain all the time about nothing."
Jose: "Maybe... The average NSF is somewhat made to go through everything so that when we're out, we've kinda seen a lot of it already."
Leon: "I just went out with this girl. And she's quite different and unlike the rest because she's worked quite a bit before. I might even say she's more mature than me."
Jose: "Hmm. What do you think we'd be like if we hadn't been through all that NS shit?"
Leon: "We'd be like girls."

I thought this was quite amusing because of it's unintended double entendre.




I've been following some of the famous Lord Coplestone Vs Bertrand Russell debates back in the earlier part of last century. Bertrand Russell was once asked what he would say if, after death, he found himself confronted by God, and he replied, "I shall say to Him, 'Why did you make the evidence of your existence so insufficient?"

On first glance, I can't quite believe he made a comment like that. Since it can be considered a given that great philosophers say things only when they are certain of the impact their words will make, I'd expect that he should've been aware of the repercussions to his comment, especially since it is a very atheist, non-christian thing to say. Not that that's wrong, since he's always been a strong advocate of atheism, but it does seem somewhat shallow of him if he hasn't considered how inadequate that comment will be to many eagerly listening people out there.

Unless he is trying to make a deeper point, that he probably doesn't really care anyway since, to him, it is precisely the scientific proofs we need to declare something believable. It almost sounds like he'd fancy a debate with God Himself, and it would all be kickstarted with that question to God.

If evidence for God was so readily available, there'd be no room for faith. It's dichotomous, kinda like how the more symbolic a present or gift is, the less practical value it'd have.




Every now and then I visit the street soccer court just downstairs past lights-off hours (they switch off the lamps so that people stop playing because it's quite noisy and disruptive to sleep for those in the proximity), and I've been just freely practicing some sequences and moves from a wide range of things I've been exposed to, including Capoeira, tricking and breakdance. It's pitch-black dark, there's nobody around, and there's a whole lot of space. I'd just bust my guts jumping around, trying flips and sweating it out until I can't move anymore; then I'd just lie down, plug in and zone out to my music and stare at the overhead blanket of night sky, thinking of everything and nothing all the same. And I really love the solitude-on-standby. It's nice to have found a new mode of getting away.




Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

Audio Candy:
Avenged Sevenfold - I Won't See You Tonight Part 1

First day of school yesterday!

Marketing is a very interesting subject. I don't say that because I can't find a better word to describe it or something. It is really interesting. Maybe it's my professor, whom I thought was good though he's from India and his accent might pose an issue. Maybe it's interesting so far because we were doing some case studies. Did you know that the symbolic image of Santa Claus in a red and white coat was created by Coca Cola in 1930? Or that companies like IBM actually hold official corporate meetings in the virtual world of Second Life?

Met some not so interesting people, formed a group with one fellow NSman Special-Termer called Irving and three SMU old-timers, of which 2 are ladies. The laojiao guy dispensed some interesting tips about SMU-first-day-must-dos, one of which is that when you go to class for the first time, spot the chiobu and immediately sit as close to her as possible, if not beside her. This is because usually the more good looking, charismatic and, thus, confident guys would try to sit near her too to get to know her, and they'd eventually make better groupmates for projects than the quiet loner ones sitting at the corners so you end up sitting near them too and can eventually establish better connections as early as possible.

Went to SMU today though I had no lessons cos I wanted to study my text (crazy huh), and ended up meeting Leon for dinner. And Leon said something funny.

Actually Irving yesterday mentioned about the locally-flavoured proverbial '2 years of not using your brains in the army'. I'm fucking sick of hearing this because it's quite nothing more than some stupid excuse most people like to use for zoning out during NS. I have to assume that such a statement is made out of a need to complain (cos if it isn't objectively so then it's sadder in my opinion), which leads me to think that if it really pained anyone to have their brains rot in the army, they could have easily done something to prevent it. Nobody stopped anyone from bringing books to camp to read during those admin times in bunk rather than do anything and everything else that was unproductive and then bitch about it.

I personally made it a point to capitalise on the learning freedom (with regards to mental stimulus in this sense because there wasn't anything else you needed to cram your mind with, although as a specialist and sea soldier I had a shitload of SOPs to familiarise myself with) to read up on things I won't bore you with and worked on some other stuff such as art during my free time. It just kinda pisses me off to hear someone else whine about how stupid the army has made him, simply because he let it.

Maybe being a 2SG platoon sergeant purely out of responsibility (with no extra pay) gave me work that enabled my mind to leverage on to prevent itself from idling too much, but I suppose I'll never know what a 'man' (as in soldier man, non-commander) really thinks of. This notorious 'man mentality' that people talk about.

So Leon was telling me about a stupid colleague (whom I had the pleasure of bumping into and immediately developing a disliking for) and I said that maybe he really has that 'man mentality'. Then Leon exclaimed, "please, he has ULTRAMAN MENTALITY!"

Haha!

We both later wondered why nobody has ever thought of such a term and decided that if either one of us had thought of it during NS, it might've become a part of fond army lingo.




The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

Today's Listenables:
Breaking Benjamin - The Diary Of Jane

The Lives Of Others is a really good movie. I'm only left pondering how much reference it has to any real events. If not, then it's a fascinating portrayal of 70s Germany.

Work has degenerated into a comfortably stagnate level and I'm pretty much left to my own devices now just the way I like it. I've dug up a fair bit of skeletons with the history of my work place and it's people, though I'm not saying that things are as bad as they seemed in the past, of which I wasn't a part of so it wouldn't be fair for me to comment.

CDS stories never fail to live up to their levels of incredulous insanity. The CO's changed, prominent figures have swopped roles and things are following their usual route of general decline... Climates that I can't imagine having to brave through if I was still there. Just hope that reservist isn't that such a pain in the ass to bear.

Another uninspired post and my chatterbox died.




Live today; it is where tomorrow's memories begin

Today's Listenables:
The All-American Rejects - Dance Inside

Looking Back On Today

I started this post last saturday but I never really got down to completing it because somehow I'm starting to lose my attention whenever I start to blog.

Anyways!

A reason why I've never given my life a stock-take is probably because I spend a substantial part of my time thinking about it and that, in all it's consistency, renders a summation of events pretty much redundant; almost like how you'd compare someone who tidies up his room everyday versus someone who tidies up his room once a week. The result is essentially the same.

But a 'look back' post always makes good blogging fodder, somewhere along the lines of those neverending 'The Best of (insert boyband name here)' music albums and the unceasing 'closing down sale'. These endless conclusions always have some degree of short-term juiciness.

So I went through Junior College, disillusioned as the mechanics of education went from bad to worse in terms of my personal preferences and expectations, and I grudgingly toiled through two years of distasteful science that didn't really mean much to me. I mean I really do appreciate the importance of good science but all that physics and chemistry mumbo jumbo wasn't for me.

I was still quite naive and impressionable, so life breezed by as I enjoyed school without the examinations, doing silly things here and there that I'm not really proud of now on hindsight. Don't even mention the secondary school days... What was I thinking back then? Come to think of it, not much probably.

Then came the 3rd quarter of JC life. The 'A' levels came and went like a crashing train - hard but fast - and I met Yingqi. I definitely wouldn't be shaped into the person I am now without her. The post-exam years were just like a fleeting drug; quick events like the prom came and we were high for a moment and then the sun rises the next day and you wonder what just happened, sobered by reality.

And as everyone would love to have it put, NS came too soon and before you knew what the hell just hit you, you'd be digging in the mud with a rifle slung around your back. Sometimes it really happens because I do wonder how on earth I got there into the shit-hole. Like, huh? You mean I marched 16km here? And it seemed like it was just moments ago I was still slumped in a sofa seat with iced mocha on the table, and feeling irritated that my browned hair was getting into my eyes. Is this all just a dream? Then you learn to space out and detach yourself from yourself (kinda) and just go along like a zombie, and before you know it you're throwing your SBO onto the floor back in bunk and feeling like a relieved wreck as you subconsciously slump into a chair and unbutton your soiled no. 4.

Days go by and while some choose to be sentimental and remember 'the good ol' days' of CDS, everything that was said and done is now kept locked away in an abstract part of my memory. Sometimes someone tells me about something we used to do, or some sticky situation I'd gotten myself into, and I genuinely go, "did that really happen?"

But while, in terms of joy, there's a lot left to be desired in the period of CDS unit life, I'd personally learnt more than I could ever learn anywhere else in a little over a year there. BMT was frivolous, SISPEC was totally fucked up, but all my dear experiences and lessons came from CDS. Putting these experiences and lessons into text would be pretty shortchanging but I'll try.

I found that the quickest way to learn anything would be to be thrown into the fray, because cliched as it sounds, experience is a hard but effective teacher. People bitch way more than they have to, and when things come full circle it's like they're bitching about themselves. Unity is strength. And when you empower your people with freedom and dignity in the right way and gain their trust, you will get the same amount of support back from each and everyone of them.
I don't really know if I'm making sense but it doesn't really matter. Soon enough, after playing my cards right, I had an unofficial 3-month break as a precursor to my ORD. Foresight and anonymity is good when times get tight, and as it seemed, every other day felt more laced with tension than the ones before.

I emerged, pretty much more aware of myself and things around and possibly a whole lot more cynical, while also becoming much more disciplined in terms of personal responsibilities and money. I can't make myself spend when I don't have to. I'm a fireball of pensive energy, rational and calculated by the belief that you are only as upset as you will allow yourself to be. Out went the baggy shirts and jeans ten times too large for me, and in came the fitting, collared clothes and neat shoes.

Then the realisation of bigger things ahead strikes, and every now and then old boys will meet again to muse about broken relationships, parenthood, career paths and anything and everything. You then begin to wonder about all the financial possibilities and burdens and the 'adult-stuff' you could happily put off when you were a swinging sixteen, like life-savings plans and insurance policies and maybe Yun Nam for some.

So, looking forward to university is like longing for the the final chance in life to do something objectively without the burdens of responsibility attached to it; because studying can be an excuse to get by. Four years of studying before plunging into a world where everything you do and everything you pull has an impact like ropes attached to every other consequential part of your life.

And in hopes of doing something different, I chose SMU.

Ok lah this post wasn't supposed to sound so unfunny but I just got more and more bored typing towards the end. And besides, talking about CDS can be depressing at worst.

Anyway, Singapore 2-1 Thailand. What a lousy decision, what a gay reaction. I'm not proud of the victory in the manner it's won, but that was really sissy stuff from the Thais. But I don't know... Two wrongs don't make one right.

Any Singaporean travelling to Thailand for the return leg is a very brave soul, and he/she shall have my respects. Haha.




"...the temerity to believe that people, pawns in the ultimate chess game, are smart enough to figure out the rules." - George Johnson

Today's Listenables:
Chris Daughtry - What About Now

There was a minor hiccup last week though, when a trainee got affected by a little food poisoning and was evacuated to Paya Lebar Air Base Medical Centre. I won't elaborate much about it, other than stating that if not for stupid people doing stupid things, the trainee wouldn't have had to be evacuated in the first place and all the ensuing problems wouldn't have occurred. We have the power of discretion, which's why the SAF hires humans, not robots. Some people just have mental states that are FUBAR seriously.

Which makes me think that this scenario is quite possible: You have a really fucked up fella in army who messes with how things work, slacks a lot and makes other people do his job, and eventually he leaves the army to become a teacher or a pastor who's telling his students or audience all about integrity and working hard. There's that possibility that you as a student might've looked up to some teacher sometime in your young life who might've been ironically screwed up as a fellow soldier in the army or a downright fuckup/loser.

Hindsight

Before I enlisted, I'd thought that going to the army would be a form of escape, without studies and less personal responsibilities. How wrong was I, especially with the former. The amount of stuff you had to study as a 21st century 'paper' soldier was hovering at the level of insane by my expectations, or lack thereof. Now that I'm actually gonna leave (in precisely 51 more days), I'm getting struck by the bug that makes you feel like you're gonna miss the shit you went through. Well sure it was a good experience and I've had my fair share of good and bad times, but that's all it'll be. I'm never going back. Haha. When I asked Leon what would happen if he woke up tomorrow to find that he's been dreaming about unit and all that and he's actually still in BMT, he replied without a hint of hesitation that he'd just kill himself.

Singapore Inc.

Oh happy belated birthday to the nation. Other than some very probable cliches, I don't really have much to comment this year around, so I've decided to quote some good excerpts from blogs I've read. Copyrights earned of course. ;)

The youths in Singapore are losing their identity and sense of belonging. I'm not sure who I'm speaking for, but I'm pretty sure it's not just a lonesome three to four. Polls have said it, half of the youths in Singapore would emigrate if given the chance. To rejoice or to despair?

I believe one of the reasons why Singaporeans are slowly losing their identity is partly the nation's fault, society's fault. Firstly, there's that lack of transparency on what the nation is doing for us. Secondly, they keep wanting us to be something else, or someone else. For example, wanting us to speak perfect English to "match up" with the ang mohs, or learning Chinese to keep up with China the growing dragon or whatever pet name it's given, or brushing up on Tamil as India's growing too. You can call us a multi-racial society and be proud of it, but it's not fair to exploit that and emphasizing on language so much in such a coercing manner. If there weren't those fireworks or the holiday, would the youths remember it's Singapore's independence day tomorrow? Would anyone embrace the day as a special day worth commemorating? Or would it just be another holiday? Singapore is indeed doing a lot for us, keeping the streets safe, making those policies to ensure every one of us gets sufficient education and so on and so forth, but then somehow people know only how to focus on the bad stuff, like rising transportation fares (does anyone ever feel thankful for the considerably-high pay they're getting compared to like native Indos?), stressful work environments, and bad education system which kinda limits students in some way and turns them all into bloody muggers who care only about results and nothing else. Our protective leaders' plans are backfiring on them, turning all their lovely citizens into narrow-minded self-centered money-minded people.

- Gracelina

I've been to the NE show when I was a starry-eyed Primary 5 kid, I've performed when I was a Nanyang Girl in Sec 1, I've been part of the audience 2 years ago, and this year I'm an usher for the last NDP at the National Stadium. For a possible quitter that is quite an awful lot of involvement in THE nation-building show, hahas.

It went from being awed by the fireworks to swelling with pride singing the national anthem after performing on the field to being somewhat cynical while on the audience stands, and this time I don't know what to feel. NDP hasn't exactly changed over the years--the formations are the few basic shapes you toy around with, the song singing of "future" and "peace" and "stars" and "soaring", the videos always appropriately reminding us of how we overcame our hardships etc [I just HAD to stifle a laugh when someone in one of the videos said "I am free to express myself."]

In so many ways the NDP show is a miniature replica of how the government would like Singapore Inc to work--months of hard work in nation-building that would have everyone believing and belonging, celebrating our achievements and the fact that we are Singaporeans and we are here, we've got it made, happy and all (remember, 4 million smiles or the police will arrest you for being unfriendly). Age strips the rose-tinted glasses away--the heart hardens and we dismiss each message as propaganda, which it is, really, but today I realise that it is not necessarily a bad thing because it doesn't make sense to badmouth/feedback on this day, because it doesn't seem right to not be idealistic and hopeful for a better Singapore, especially on National Day.

- Chris

I don't really have something specific to say in these recent times of growing anxiety about youths of our nation and politics of the country, and recently I realised that I'm becoming more of a backseat person - listening more than I speak, which, more often than not, turns out to be the wiser thing to do. But for a very, very inspiring read, go here. It's an interview with the late David Marshall. I know most people would probably dismiss this link but reconsider doing that, coz trust me this read could potentially change how you think, at least for awhile (heck if you had to choose between reading my online journal or that interview I'd say go for the interview dmnit.).

Met Gracia, an old schoolmate and ex-neighbour of mine (actually we still stay very much in proximity) the other day for a round of supper, and I was posed a question: "are you satisfied with your life?" And somewhere along those lines the question "what have you achieved?" probably lingered in anticipation of an answer as well.

How many of us have actually asked ourselves that question, and seriously gave that question a thought? I haven't until now. Deroose's asked me that before and it was half-dismissed because I thought it was too idealistic a question to consider at that point of time in my life when I was very much still in the platoon sergeant hotseat (clearing leave now and handed over! Woot).

Besides, what can you do when you're in the army right? That fuckin' obstacle in the prime of your youth? People can claim to have answered that question and gave an answer as dismally as I have thinking that it's okay, but now I realise it's not really alright.

After some reflecting, I guess I've tried to make my team, if not my unit, a better place to be in, and that's as heroic as I can get within my legal means. Because trying anything beyond that, especially as an NSF sergeant, is simply out of the question. Perhaps I've tried to change the system but failed, and maybe I can say that's the cause of my dissatisfaction. But I think I do have reason to be satisfied. In very basic, physical terms, I hope that I've cultivated a sense of pride in our team to be the best at what they can do, both for and against the system. Unity is strength, and you can't underestimate people power. Think I'm getting a little carried away again... But changing the system on my own would amount to opposing the government in its very funny, micro-level kinda way; a government which has cleverly buffered itself in its God-complex so as to be untouchable.

Take OC and CO relations for example, and why the chain of command is so strongly enforced upon the men to go through the right flow of channels. For those who aren't in the know... I can't elaborate here. Touchy issues.

Then again sometimes I think, is that really it? Or is that what I'd like to believe it is... Am I really as pensively intelligent as I think I am? Or am I just making a crapload of noise here, just like almost everybody else? Because sometimes I see chinks in my armour of seemingly correct principles.

I'm in a period of time where I'll probably look back on in the future and feel stupid of myself about. I've read back on some of the stuff I wrote, especially during phases of my life where I'm especially impressionable, not just towards trends but towards perspectives and beliefs as well. And I wished I could just go back in time and slap myself for the immature, silly stuff I did or said.

When it comes to being really clever, I suck. There are people I know whom I admire for their speed of thought and strategic foresight (qualities I think I fall short in), and when it comes to actually knowing stuff, I'm sorely lacking as well. I do not know global problems because I do not follow the news. But then again can I be faulted just because this is what society says is the right thing to do? Who determines what's right or wrong, or normal anyway?

I am who I've convinced myself I am to be. That's about it but it's more profound than it actually sounds.

Sometimes I do feel a sad longing for some place in society I'd really belong to. I've been constantly constrained by a lot of circumstances to do things I don't feel purposeful for. Going to schools to ensure I'm kept in the paper chase, I'll admit, is important. But it's left me feeling terribly empty. Through the years I've ended up in cultures devoid of people I can come alive with. Don't get me wrong, I love the bunch of fellas that make up my platoons through my army stint, but the stuff that they talk about or the music they listen to just simply don't cut it with me, and I'm constantly lying to myself just to keep up... It's tiring. Maybe as a platoon sergeant I saw it as a job to interact so as to understand the men better. But now that I'm letting it go, I'm really gonna let it go. Going to SMU after I ORD sure gives me sensations of escapism.

To what extent can I be faulted for not trying hard enough to be different, or make a difference? I genuinely believe I'm not a typical Zhonghua-to-NYJC-to-NTU-engineering student but whenever I have dreams of my own, voices tell me to forgo them because they're not practical. Truthfully, am I all for the paper chase and emphasis on the rice bowl? Why am I being faulted when my focus on a money-making career lapses when that's not what I really want? People can really try to convince themselves with their self-help books and blog rants that life is more than just a rat race but each time I talk to people, they keep convincing me that in the eyes and minds of the masses, that's all there is to life and ambition.

Weijian once said that we're living in a fucked up country. It is indeed an acidicly sweeping statement to make, but it does hold a certain amount of truth when he points out that every morning, people are rushing to bus stops and through train stations chasing god-knows-what and going home late at night. It's bad enough just to be in the rushing crowd for more inconsequential reasons like booking in to camp, and it's sick to know that conventionally, they're who you'd eventually become. Anonymous automatons of society.

But being in my unit has woken me up a little and while I have done what I could to make a difference there, I think it's about time to try and step out as an individual to be different. And eventually attempt to make a difference in society.

I wished more of us could have the courage to live. To give to your fellow brethren without expecting anything in return.

Starting to clear leave now. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter... Just hope there aren't any potholes along the way that could really fuck things up in very unwelcome ways. Can't wait to throw all this down and escape into the life of a student again. I'm being an optimistic idealist for the moment.

Yes, I have a charmed life but it's not because of fairy dust, of self-help books, of circumstances or a bazillionheirress cash-flow. It is because I choose the path in which I walk.

The Off/2SG Riposte

Sorta gave myself an off day today. Am I entitled to this? I'd like to think so. Still, it mildly pains and irritates me no end when people see me without my arms and rounds and start saying, "wah Jose, no need to do duty ah... So welfare," or like, "eh why you no need to do duty, slacker." If I could explain to you the entire culmination of events to the point of giving myself an off-from-duty over everyone else in my team today it'd take a few updates' worth of storytelling to do.

To begin with, for the men, Platoon Sergeants aren't meant to mount duty as the men are. That mentality is still etched deep in the recesses of everybody's minds then, and that should change.

How then do you appease a Guard Comd who's playfully accusing you of skiving?

Handling a team is no mean feat. Maybe being a Guard Commander's a much more challenging task but I believe I'm up to it anytime, if that was the route I was meant to take. But no, I'm a seaside PS, and that's that. And believe it or not, this has its valid difficulties and challenges because our unit is a very dynamic one, with daily jobs ranging from dealing with people to dealing with problems and situations. And trust me, dealing with seaside has its fair share of issues.

In the light of recent events we've had emergency meetings to highlight urgent matters regarding things that aren't going smoothly, but at each hearing I cannot find something they can fault my seaside team with, and that in itself is a huge form of pride I can take in. And it isn't easy having to keep watching over everything consistently because routine erodes the senses, but I am confident enough to say that I'm managing that aspect of things well. That's why maybe it seems like I'm not doing much because there aren't problems to solve, but note this: every problem that may potentially arise can be prevented with good planning and maintenance and that's what's been going on for my team. This constant watch and all the background work (which really encompasses a lot of things) that goes into ensuring that we cannot be faulted for anything by anybody requires keen observation, anticipation and effort.

And if I really wanted to skive duty with that off today, I wouldn't have even come to camp would I? Instead, I stayed overtime til 6pm and ran around the entire seaside ops stations to try and clear up whatever lurks beneath the exterior that could surface any moment and get the whole truckload of us into trouble again (in fact I'd even like to put it that I took the opportunity to be off duty to do those things). Nobody really does these things without them being told to and when they finally do, they make a whole shitload of noise to ensure that they'd be recognised for their work. I'm different I guess then, because when responsibility calls to me I'll make sure I do it, because I hate disappointing people. And sometimes when the PSes fuck up because of some retard, I still feel bad about it even if it's nothing to do with my team, because we as PSes have failed.

Sometimes I don't know why I even try so hard because when you come to think about it, nobody owes you any favour in your 2 years of service here. The most I can get out of it is knowing that I've tried my best to give those under me the best NSF experience they can have in such a simplistic job scope, and contributing my best within my means and principles to the unit as a whole.

I took the off-from-duty (I'm not even calling it an off here already) primarily so that I could do that bit of clearing up for the seaside stations' issues, but I guess now I'd like it to be known that I am entitling myself to this, and I wouldn't do something like this (telling people that yes, I think I deserve an off) if not for everybody thinking I'm trying to give myself a good deal here. It's just childish and retarded.

Our time is coming to a close for my batch of specs. Good luck to the new ones taking over, because present times are turbulent and it seems like making a mistake means instant death, because we (my batch of proud, esteemed 2SGs) have used all our chances up for the silliest of reasons.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so angsty, especially when it comes to updating this online journal of mine.

The other day I saw an ad for this private degree in hospitality from EASB university, and it showed a rather happy-looking person saying, "I am prepared for the real world, are you?" I had to stifle a sad laugh because it's just really ironic. The condensed epiphany of the experience that was BSC tells me that anybody who's prepared for the real world wouldn't be grinning like an idiot.

Platoon Sergeant

Being an unofficial platoon sergeant of a team in a new unit really has its ups and downs. But I'm just glad for the lessons because they've taught me invaluable things. I guess at least I'm not going into the real society as a naive retard.

I still feel like I've been promoted to a 2SG for nothing. Am I supposed to feel happier? More obliged to be a fucker? Others who have been officially promoted to a 2SG rank to be a platoon sergeant have dug trenches and shite to get there. This is a local promotion for the remaining 4 months of my time that I don't need. And what pains me in an ass-kinda way is how other fellow promoted 2SGs are reacting to it. Stuff that I'd rather not mention. As I used to tell myself, and I still do, don't rock the boat Jose. Don't do it. It's just another 4 months anyway.

Band Of Brothers

What has happened to my BSC?

It seems like since that last fateful weekend, CDS has slipped into some kind of dark age, shrouded by gloom and doom. I've always liked CDS for its heroic, outlawed ways. We were the military organisation that's always at the frontline 24/7, and yet you could say we were the most unregimental soldiers ever. We had our own way of running things, resulting in a very different working and booking out system that no other unit has. We were once classified as RPs, but when people asked us if we were like RPs we'd say "no", and add that it'd be a really long story if we were to say why even though it seemed like we were doing the same kinda things.

In fact we were different. Which infantry soldiers wear commercial lifevests, bicycle helmets, safety boots and drive RHIBs? Which infantry unit never made it a requirement to reveille, fall in for last parades and have standby areas? Which infantry unit has soldiers outside consistently on weekdays? We were the resident base fuckers, doing what was necessary and to the objective (which meant minusing whatever we could and cutting corners) and then calling it a day, job well done and secured. Yet we never had bookout hours long enough to stop us from complaining that we aren't a welfared lot. We were in this mysteriously cheeky little unit. That was just the squadron I saw myself in and loved myself to be a part of.

But after what our dear CO has done, all sense of humour about everything's gone. It's sad and, I'll bet to the laojiaos, it's almost taboo. A balance has just been rocked, and we aren't who we are anymore. Our unit identity and personality is in shambles, and a new system is taking over. I'm leaving soon, and that's just about the best consolation about the whole situation that I can think of. It's sad.

I've never liked the idea of people, especially fellow people of similar age, drawing lines with one another. That's why I've always believed that we should see beyond authority and keep a certain sense of NSF integrity. Look, if you're so garang, then just fuckin' sign on man. If you do just that, I'll give it to you and not blame you for being such a system whore coz that's just about your job to be a slave to the system. But if you're a fellow NSF just like me, and just like the fuckin' whole lot of most of us that form the basis of this little defence squadron that we call our own, then I think that it's only right that you preserve a certain sense of code of conduct that all NSFs should rightly follow. It's not just about how good a soldier you'll be during your service term, but much more than that beyond your years after you ORD. If you start being a prick and screw everyone for the small things they shouldn't do as soldiers but could possibly do coz we're just biding our time as best as we can during our NSF years, then you're just not really being a fellow human that much anymore, and I believe all respect for you would go right down the drain.

That's why I don't believe in authority, which leads to my refusal to give in to regimentation and upholding of the law here. That's why sometimes I don't think I deserve a 2SG rank. To me, everybody around me of my age is a fellow man who is a son, a good buddy, a brother and a boyfriend. Mess him up and you're potentially messing about with anybody else he means the world to. Everybody has a sense of pride and self respect and it's just fucked up if you think that you can take that from him and believe that he'll really behave and even think like a man just because that's what he is in the pecking order of the army. It's just sad that some people still assume we can treat people this way as if they were from a 19th century army force. Maybe it's good to let some people who just don't get it know that most of the guys here are only being as obedient to authority around here as they're willing to play your games and act the part. Push that limit and everything will crumble.

I've always believed that with a sense of pride and faith in the people around you, you can get them to perform miracles beyond their calls of duty. Let's face it, more than half the people around here chose to be men anyway, so they probably chose not to take the responsibility and to just slowly while their way away while waiting for their turn to ORD and head on to more important things in life to them. Stop fucking them, stop messing around with their personal prides and dignities as fellow men, and you'll see how much more willing they are to do their job for you.

I'm only relieved that in a very few months time, my time here will be over and I can stop pretending that I believe in enforcing the system here as a sergeant. Truth is I don't, and it's tiring. Maybe I'm lucky in fact not be an officer so that I'm not biased to be a sucker for the system, so that I can revert from spec to man and man to spec anytime. Stop the power plays, and cut the crap about all these superiority complexes. It's lame and childish to say the least.

Being in a unit like mine really enables me to observe very fascinating forms of interaction between people as this unit is truly a melting pot of people from all walks of life, and somehow being in charge of them puts me in a very interesting position.

Of course that means having to deal with the occasional fucker who shirks work. Put a couple of people like that together and you get an irritable prick in the system. It's not that hard to understand why I'm willing to put in a little more effort behind the scenes to get shit done instead of pushing things to the men (just because of a fuckin' superiority complex) when I believe in actually working harder to validate my reception of earning an extra $200 every month.

I guess my unit's like a microcosm of societies out there, and like most cases, what really lacks is a serious sense of empathy, especially from the top people towards the men on the ground. And I've always had a bit of a feminist streak (read: feminist, not feminine) in me so I believe that most fuckups occur because of chauvinistic egos. Some guys just seem to relish the chance to put others down whenever they can, like when a mistake is made, or when something isn't done up to standard even if the effort's been made. Then all the weapons of an egotistical bullying emerge, like insults and sarcasm. Bloody gay stuff.

But then again, sometimes I think some women should seriously go for some form of NS-ing of their own. I don't mean in the sense of having them experience the physical aspects of training like how most people are misconcepted to believe when it comes to the point of the said issue (coz I think that's just plain unrealistic and shallow; as that would be plainly making a comparison and whining that life isn't fair in a sissyboy kinda way, to which I don't particularly condone), but in the form of having to work in a unit, especially one which isn't exactly glorious in any way, and of which having to carry out your duties pretty much involves dragging yourself through self-discipline and responsibility. This is because some girls I know sometimes whine just a tad too much for my liking, to which I wish I could tell them in a more convincing manner that life isn't as perfect and idealistic as their immature minds perceive things to be. I suppose that when you get thrown into the shithole you'll grow up pretty fast. But don't get me wrong, it's not like every girl I know is like that.

Dear Mr Cheebye Towkay,

Thank you for your time.

I have many unresolved issues that need your bloody attention. (if you actually bother to listen at all)

1) For all the comments and policies that you have implemented, irregardless of your mens' feelings. If you bother to offer a rational explanation to them, i'm very sure they wouldn't mind working their guts out for you. However, it seems that you are forever smoke-grenading your way out. The dialogue sessions haven't helped much because you throw their questions back at them. You just go ahead and implement your dumb policies on them just because you think it is a rave idea to do so. This is fucking frustrating. You don't know how tough their job scope is because u sit in your plush office all day long and wank. If you bother to reason, fine. But you don't! If you don't think that the men's feelings are worth considering, then i don't think they really appreciate calling you 'Sir'.

2)Apart from being a bad boss, you're also a lousy fund-giver. We have to work for you 101% and put up with your nonsense 24/7. For example welfare. You want your men to die for you but you wring them dry with no benefits given. For example, we highlighted we needed more EquipmentWeWanted, but you said no and went ahead and bought EquipmentWeDidNotWant. In addition, EquipmentWeDidNotWant turned out to be a dud and expensive and definitely, EquipmentWeDidNotRequire. We did not show our exasperations because we know it would be futile and anyway you're a complete moron who thinks that you're a superior being to all us inferior kotek-heads. No point infuriating us further with you incompetence.

3)You have always told us to speak up because you want us to Know-What-We-Did-Not-Know and turn it to What-We-Know-Now. Well, for sure we know now that you're a complete dick-head and a pretty small one at that so please just go stuff your head up some wall with cracks in between. Yeah you'll feel pain, but hey, Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body right?
I know you'll never understand why are we so fucking pissed off and we don't hope you to know but hopefully, when we come back for reservist, you won't cause us such grief any longer.

Regards,Your damn buay song men

July 2005

I'd say he nailed the point right in the head.