Monday, 20 August 2007

The Post-Hoc Evaluation

Commenced school to an all-time low with statistics class under Prof. Lin Ting Kwong, which was quite horrendous. I had trouble staying awake so I ended up playing Wordbiz (online Scrabble) with Yinyin.

People have been asking stuff like, "do you dread school starting?" Seriously mannnn... I am not happy or sad or angry about it, I'm just at acceptance with things, because school will start whether you like it or not, as if dreading it will help anything at all.

The past week's been the usual extended high I've been having for quite awhile, peaking with Zouk on wednesday and then crashing at Jianming's hostel. We were dancing for like 6 hours, which was really the shit. Good company makes all the difference. It was probably my best clubbing experience so far. 6am back at hostel and waking at 1pm to find that you're already in town kinda rocks too. Haha. I'll be repeating this for the freshmen bash on thursday.

Convocation was really really bleah. And even though I might've pissed some people off for pulling out rather last minute from the performance thing I don't regret it at all. I had my 30 seconds of fame for leading the pirates cheer from FTB. "I don't need that," I said when the MC passed the mic. Godly!

I've had my fair share of people doubting my reasons when I've stated that religion is why Kee and I have separated as a couple. I can understand how hard is it to fathom something like that for the layman, but to really understand why, you'd have to look into our personalities, perspectives and aims, goals and purposes in life. To us, love didn't simply mean going out all the time and calling each other every other night. Love can be defined by very tangible means but if that's the way you do yours then well the lack of superficiality in ours made things all the more difficult.

Considering that christianity doesn't take into consideration any other form of faith other than that of Jesus Christ, my pantheistic inclinations, even though encompassing of the prevalence of God itself, wouldn't have been acceptable. And I know very clearly that there are so many implications and complications if we continued to be together. I'd have been a hindrance to her growth in her faith, of which I know has benefited her alot and I certainly do not believe she should be denied the freedom to believe in what provides her spiritual well-being best. She would also feel very much compelled to try and convert me to becoming a christian, because I was more than just a friend. Those are just two of a myriad of other problems.

And consider this. I know christians would love to punctuate their sentences with praises to the Lord. What would that make of our conversations? I'd probably go on about my quantum mechanics ideologies and why I think Bon Jovi still sounds the same after all these years while she'd wanna tell me about how Christ brings joy into our lives. While I'd love to affirm that with her just because I care for what she thinks, I'd be lying to myself about what I don't believe in. And at the end of the day you just realise all those conversations may eventually just not mean anything anymore to either of us, given the persons we are and the priorities of our conversations.

We both also feel that the priorities of life should all go hand in hand with each other. You can't just put your faith, your career or your relationship, just to name a few, at the apex of what's most important in your life - instead, they have to go hand in hand. Only then would life be worth any of those things at all.

It may be hard for some to see it this way, but I've loved her too much to keep her with me, especially in a relationship which would entail so many potential issues in future. Some will try and say that if our love was really strong enough we'd be able to overcome this. Well screw them then, they just don't get it past the shallowness and probably won't anyway.

It has been hard because there wasn't really a breakup due to anyone's fault, there was no decline in love, and there is no anger to leverage any of this on. Simply put, breaking up not because there's no love left will be hard, and the love was brimming. As the years went by and our love grew, the barrier of religion just grew bigger between us, ominous yet surreptitious, until it became too huge to put aside anymore.

But we're really still friends, and perhaps more than just good friends because how do you just put aside all those things you know about each other, and all that spiritual and emotional connection you've had? Transcending the status was hard but we've helped each other through it and it's been alright.

I suppose in the bigger, more neutral, bystander perspective scheme of things, I'd just be a tool for a test on her faith, a little fork in the long road of her life, and she'd just be an example of what happens when you, as a christian, date a non-christian. Haha.

If each day was 48hrs, we'd all be younger

Today's Listenables:
Within Temptation - Ice Queen

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