That Gaudy-Red Festival

It's gaudy-red time again!

Kickstarted CNY eve yesterday by helping out in the spring cleaning effort, but soon my dad's anal-ness made me go out earlier than I'd wanted to. With nowhere in mind, I aimlessly took 147 towards school and then met up Mikaela, the only familiar living soul I could encounter within the deserted premises.

It was like a ghost town with all the shops closed, so we headed down to Long John Silver's at Plaza Singapura for some bites and talked for a bit to while the time away.

I was told to be at Tanjong Pagar MRT by 6pm so when it was about 15mins to five I started embarking on a hike towards Tanjong Pagar from Dhoby Ghaut. Past the majestic Supreme Court edifice at City Hall and the tranquil river dividing Raffles Place from Boat Quay, I suddenly started losing my way and was determinedly trying to find directions from the Raffles Place MRT map when my mom SMSed to say that rendezvous has been delayed til 8pm; what a bummer.

So in all randomness, I took a train back to town and eventually went to Borders and read bits and pieces here and there from at least 10 good books ranging from Tony Blair's biography to consciousness philosophy to space-time-universe theory, reminding myself that bookstores are undoubtedly the best places to be to kill some time. Then I headed down for dinner proper.

Been sleeping way too little to be sociable (on top of being already naturally unsociable towards my relatives), so reunion dinner was yet another somewhat awkward affair with an annual dose of really bad food. We perhaps all know what constitutes to a satisfactory serving of food for me, so sharing dishes with that stipulated amount per table really doesn't cut it for me. And not forgetting that I hate mushrooms, sea cucumber, brinjal, etc etc. Someone remind me why this is supposed to be fantastic, because in my case neither 'reunion' nor 'dinner' went well.

Justin, my 25 year-old cousin, is what I'd really call the darling son in the family. He never fails to be the life of the party and it's not that he's an attention-seeking person or the things he says aren't funny or witty. The uncles all love to banter with him and that includes my dad too. I've always wondered what the outcome would be if Justin was his son. My dad and I can ever hardly talk, and it felt as if the both of them exchanged more words between them in those 2hrs than my dad and I had ever done in my lifetime so far.

That preceded the usual neighbourhood temple visit which I absolutely dread, because amongst other more obvious religious reasons, my eyes are extremely sensitive to the smoke. Yet another late night and early morning next, and a truckload of visiting which I effectively space out to deal with.

I'll skip the usual gripes I'd whine about. One of the interesting things I've noticed is that conversations, however few and awkward, are starting to gravitate towards the degree/girlfriend/job/studies side. It's the only thing I can seem to sustain a conversation about, and I'm always musing in the background of my mind while I conversate, "here we go again."

What made CNY day 1 a little more interesting was the visit to my nanny's when I was between 3-6 years old, whom I used to call Auntie Mama. Some fleeting memories returned, such as the porch and the long and narrow living room that made you sit really close to the TV. And since it had been almost 20 years since they last saw me (I never visited), I was given celebrity-status attention as they endlessly exclaimed, once past the shock, that I was unrecognisable/so tall/so dark/etc.

There was this guy, Freddie, who's the husband of this lady, Jane, who is my nanny's daughter and he's a managing director. So there was plenty of allusion towards that job standard (complete with 2 maids and a Merc) because he is now the man apparently. More job comparisons, more getting told that I've gotta achieve that kinda career level or better it.

When Kenny's dad (I prefer to refer to uncles this way) found out about my breakup and that it was due to religious issues, he went on this Buddhism preaching barrage and all that jazz about karma and got so excited and carried away that when Kenny tried to interrupt him to ask about something (important, I'd actually reckon), he just sharply snapped, "Shut up la! People talking!" and continued going on and on. Geez. But it was extremely amusing when it happened.

Went over to my mom's side of the family for more visits, and I guess the only stuff that were worth mentioning were the beer and my conversation with Suihar because it finally didn't feel like an obligatory chat.

Went to RK to supposedly celebrate Yap's birthday but the scrimpish prick was too stingy to give a treat. So ends day 1, and I doubt day 2 or another subsequent day for that matter will mean much to me. Even the red packets don't anymore - with the money, my dad'll just take a month off giving me allowance anyway so it'll sum up to be essentially the same. Sometimes I feel bad for them having to give out red packets (which is ridiculous I'll admit cos it's probably been already budgeted in their financial plans) so I did offer to give them my red packets so that they can give them out. 'Cos in all honesty, everything just eventually comes full circle in terms of such financial economics anyway (i.e. zero-sum game) and I don't quite need the guise of red-packet-giving to give me a false sense of happiness in that respect.

Haha okay sorry for being such a cynical prick but I've also gotta add that I didn't shop for anything at all this CNY, and my mom was really starting to worry that I'd end up wearing a pair of old 2nd-hand jeans that uncle William gave me (which isn't auspicious since it doesn't reflect on our propensity for wealth) so she ended up buying a striped red polo tee for me. I don't quite know the figures, but that definitely brings my tally of clothing owned but not bought by me to an all time high. I can't quite recall the last time I shopped, or even wanted to shop, for that matter.



I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

Today's Listenables:
Finger Eleven - Drag You Down

Blah, Seriously

The efforts of last week's prep for today's political science presentation totally went down the drain. I guess Rahul Sagar was just being particularly utilitarian (in the literal sense, not the ideology you pol science freaks) with regards to this presentation thing. In a sense he wanted this presentation to be a means of the group 'teaching' the class and then raising the topic of debate which he will then address, and he will sum things up after.

But perhaps time has been a constraint, so he decided to open things up by lecturing a little first, then letting us present. The problem was that he touched on so many things that we were gonna present on and eventually perhaps got somewhat impatient that we were reiterating what he had said and told us to skip parts of the presentation. I think we skipped about 3/4 of what we were gonna present.

So our presentation just looked really terrible.

I'm not that bothered pertaining to the grades although I know the possibility of this being a flunked presentation; I'm just feeling really blah in an extremely unfulfilled way that we really had a lot to offer but couldn't because of something we weren't fairly prepared for. And it kinda sucks to know that Angie and Benita, who both wanna major in political science and thus would take huge pride in this for, might potentially have their grades compromised due to this really ridiculous misadventure.

And the efforts man. Also, I liked this chapter alot because for once it wasn't so much about stuff like parliamentary systems, but rather about rationality which is really within my philosophical capacity to deal with.

On the bright side of things, I can take a breather of sorts now that a major project from an absolutely gargantuan module has been done with.

Anyway, this is really a personal opinion but I think sociology with a little more effort put into it would simply be political science. Sociology is such a half-assed subject to me that it's just like political science without the conviction of coming to some conclusive ends.

Chinese New Year's comin' and usually my family would have a personal reunion dinner together the day before CNY eve. It's been quite awhile since I last had dinner at home, or even a meal for that matter, and I missed dinner today though I could've easily just have went home early. I came home to a really huge spread that had gone cold on the table so I felt bad and that kinda sucked on hindsight.

Sucks that the laptop will be back only after CNY too, and all the doubled homework from not having any lessons for the rest of the week.

Actually one of the reasons, or perhaps the fundamental reason that led on to other things, of why I ended up going home late today was because a smart-assed me went to raise the philosophical morality question about God to Benita after class, and we (including Isaac and Angie) ended up talking about it for a solid hour after everyone else had deserted the classroom. It led me to revisit my own beliefs which I haven't talked about for quite some time, and they are beliefs I used to talk about with much fervour before I mellowed down, for whatever reasons (the understanding that nothing can be conclusive anyway, or just simply realising that I can be too imposing perhaps). But I think it might be quite useful for me to formally address this so that I can solidify what I think, rather than being really g4y and telling people that what I believe in entails a long story and procrastinate only to say it in the end in a really half-assed manner 'cos I cannot grasp my rusty train of thought. So yeah, I'm dedicating a post to that.



After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

Today's Listenables:
I Am Ghost - We Are Always Searching

On A Personal Take Of Religion

I must disclaim firstly that this is not an article about what is wrong with/why you shouldn't accept Christianity (and other religions if you will) or why pantheism is good/why you should adopt pantheism. This article seeks to familiarise the reader with the concepts of pantheism, the scientific and non-scientific foundations that undergird it (and perhaps why they are sound and worthy), pantheism's stand in relation to science and other religions and how it works for myself as it might for anybody else.

When it comes to the question of what I believe in, what my faith is, or in popular terms, what's my religion, for starters I'd always like to state that I am largely inclined towards pantheism. A problem with that is that not many people know what pantheism is to begin with, so a brief Wikipedia overview would be:

Pantheism is the view that everything is of an all-encompassing immanent abstract God; or that the Universe, or nature, and God are equivalent. More detailed definitions tend to emphasize the idea that natural law, existence, and the Universe (the sum total of all that is, was, and shall be) is represented in the theological principle of an abstract 'god' rather than a personal, creative deity or deities of any kind.

An oft-cited feature of pantheism is that each individual human, being part of the Universe or nature, is part of God. One issue discussed by pantheists is how, if this is so, humans can have free will. In answer, the following analogy is sometimes given (particularly by classical pantheists): "you are to God as an individual blood cell in your vein is to you." The analogy further maintains that while a cell may be aware of its own environs, and even has some choices (free will) between right and wrong (killing a bacterium, becoming malignant, or perhaps just doing nothing, among countless others), it likely has little conception of the greater being of which it is a part. Another way to understand this relationship is through the Hindu phrase, tat tvam asi - "that thou art", wherein the human soul/self or Atman is understood to be the same as God or Brahman - only people do not realize it. In this Hindu context, they believe that one must be liberated through enlightenment (moksha) in order to experience and fully understand this relationship - the part becomes no longer dissimilar from the whole.

If you haven't been bored til this point, fantastic.

Admittedly, a significant factor that contributes to my adoption of this faith and not that of Christianity (or, to a lesser extent, some other mainstream faith) is my rejection of some of the basic absolutist axioms of Christianity.

But essentially, I'm not an atheist, for I believe in a God of sorts, except that I simply do not wish to personify this Being. But with that said, there is a huge conflict on many grounds, especially with that of Christian-related beliefs. For easier functionality, I shall continue to use 'God' for the rest of this writeup.

A lot of what contributes to my pantheistic inclinations at this point stems from a lot of reading on quantum physics. I know many people will then be extremely skeptical of this: science and religion are two different things; how then can you attempt to reconcile your 'religion' using such a scientific basis and attempt to refute my religion which is based on faith? My short cut answer to that would be that I really believe science and religion are two sides of the same coin. Yes, I am making the claim that science and religion/faith/etc fundamentally share the same truths and can be said to be the same things, and if this can be understood the way I do, I think it can be truly breathtaking. I'll touch on it in brief.

(This is a truncated post which excludes the explanations and mechanisms behind the history and processes that led to these findings, as well as their implications. You might find this truncated version inadequate in your understanding. To read the whole post, click here.)

Through the double-slit experiment, quantum physics opened the doors towards understanding that:

1. we live in a universe that is 'an undivided whole',
2. we are one with it, and part of it,
3. the universe is a world of potentiality rather than predictability, and
4. that we actually participate in the operation of this universe - it responds to us.

Through the EPR Paradox, science discovered that the basic substance of the universe is composed of invisible quantum fields, rather than atoms, which:

1. are non-material patterns of energy that exert visible influence (e.g. magnetic, gravitational, etc),
2. exist throughout space and time,
3. are the medium through which energy is carried in the form of waves,
4. are the means that particles emerge, and
5. are infinite in number in the universe and are endlessly interacting with other fields.

Although much scientific work remains to be done, every step continues to verify the idea that the quantum realm is the transitional realm between God, or for that matter, Intelligence, Force or Power if you wish, and the material world, which is where this Force that created the universe continues to move into physical expression.

Researchers such as Robert John and Brenda Dune have suggested that the realm of the mind where thoughts are born behaves much like the quantum realm of waves and particles. When a thought moves in the mind, it creates a field. When that field interacts with another field, something happens - a particle forms. An idea begins to take place.

As it states that there exists a realm that responds to the expectancy of the individual participant, this can explain the power of the subconscious mind.

Consider why hauntings seem to be more prevalent in rural areas and less so in developed cities. The collective consciousness of the people who are superstitious enough can be a contributing factor towards the manifestation of ghosts. This might also explain why the presence of God feels so strong in church especially during a very collective event such as mass. On an individual level, it has been shown that a sportsperson can significantly up his game if he is able to effectively tap into his subconscious mind a belief that he can play better, even without training, as if he had been training for days prior to the game.

Here, subconscious thoughts manifest themselves into tangible forms and through an understanding of the universe through quantum physics, it is explained due to the existence of 'universal laws', or 'spiritual laws', whichever you want to call these natural laws that quantum physics tries to understand.

If I were an atheist, I would believe occurrences to be random and independent of any form of theological governance. In a pantheistic sense of belief, things do not occur at random; the 'force' of God is manifested through these natural laws. It is in this belief that there is a sense of an engineering force that gives rise to the belief that there is a core set of truth(s) that can marry science and religion.

Take the Big Bang Theory for example (you can remain skeptical of it, but consider the example for the sake of this discussion). Around 15 billion years ago, energy compressed into a speck smaller than an atom was released and it had enough energy to form the universe and everything that exists today. This is mind-bogglingly incomprehensible, especially if, within 1 second of the moment of creation, the rate of expansion of cosmic energy had been different by 1 part per quadrillion (1 divided by 10 to the power of 15), nothing would exist. Less, and the expansion would be too fast for anything to form. More, and the universe would have collapsed in on itself.

This would be a huge case to note against randomness, for its chance occurrence would be too small to be possible, which would mean that there is indeed some form of order to things.

In the parallel between science and religion, how prayer works can perhaps be explained in the aspect of expectations and the subconscious mind. In knowing that the subconscious mind is allusional to the quantum realm as the place of transition between God and the material world, it helps to comprehend how the force of God and the natural laws of order permeate the universe and move into the material world. The laws always remain; it just depends on whether we know how to live in harmony with these laws. Just like the fact that the law of gravity exists doesn't mean people cannot fly; in understanding how Newtonian physics works, a 'miracle' like defying gravity, so to speak, or flying can indeed occur. Prayer essentially seems to manifest itself most when faith is at its strongest, which is a simple possibility when you consider how this works within the framework of quantum physics.

Who knows? Christian scientists have indeed used quantum physics to explain Christianity. In danger of sounding absolutely blasphemous, perhaps quantum physics could really be the semiotic term for explaining the means of God.

Sages, philosophers and mathematicians such as Platos and Pythagoras have long since believed we live in a world of connectedness, but it is not til the exploration of quantum physics demonstrated that this is, in the sense of the word, scientifically true. This explains the pantheistic idea that natural law, existence, and the Universe, as represented in the theological principle of an abstract God and that each individual human, being part of the Universe or nature, is part of 'God' in this sense, as man's role is no longer an observer but a participator as well.

That said, I personally believe in an abstract God, a core set of truth(s) and natural, spiritual laws and that they are probably somewhat synonymous and that every religion, be it Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc, stems from some desire to understand and live in harmony with this core truth, of which science is a relentless hunter of as well. The fact that a huge majority of the world partakes in some of form of religious belief can be testament to its existence too.

Insofar as my belief is broadly-encompassing in this aspect, I can also consider how the Bible can be right even if I, as a non-Christian, do not subscribe to it in its literal sense. I would view the Bible as an allegory of the real events of creation and tenets of law and truth, where the 7 days of genesis might not have been 24hr days, or that Noah's Ark might really have meant something else since no concrete proof has ever been found to confirm its occurrence.

A better allusion between science (reality) and the Bible (religion) would be that behind all Einstein's thought lay the role given in the Jewish-Christian religion to the primacy and constancy of light. The Genesis account of creation states the primacy of light in the line "And God said, Let there by light: and there was light." It is stated that God is himself eternal uncreated Light, but he created the universe in such a way that it is governed by created light. Light cannot be seen, but we can see only what is lit up by light. It is through deciphering light signals that all our knowledge of the cosmos in macroscopic and microscopic levels is learned. The mathematical properties of light have a central role in scientific theory, such as in the scientific description of the space/time universe. Light is not defined with reference to anything else, rather it is the opposite. Light has a unique physical and metaphysical status in the universe – it is an ultimate factor, the Constant expressed as C in scientific equations (E = MC²). If light were not constant, if the movement of light varied or wobbled in any way, there would be chaos. It is light that reveals the orderly nature of things. The constancy of light throughout the created order reflects the faithfulness of God of which the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures all speak – God does not play dice.

People have pointed out that pantheism seems to fall short of being a religious belief. Questions that pantheism might not be able to truly answer include things like:

1. What is the meaning of life?
2. How are morals established? Do you, in terms of pantheism, think that humans are inherently evil?
3. If you do not personify God, how can you relate to this Power you are talking about?
4. Do you know what this Power really is, and can you see it? If one day the 'truth' is found, how do you know that is indeed the truth?

In certain discussions I have been termed somewhat agnostic, as I stated that I do not conclusively know the answer to these things in a pantheistic sense, which implies some degree of apathy meeting defeatism as I choose to refrain from finding an answer while believing I probably wouldn't know. However, I would like to assert that such questions are inherently existent due to Christian heuristics and have value only because they are largely Christian or conventionalist/fundamentalist in religious nature, i.e. you might not even explore these questions with me if you didn't think they were important and you felt that they were because Christianity has an influence on what you consider important to know.

The thing is pantheism, to me, broadly seeks to enlighten one to the fact that we are co-creators in a system that has a natural order to it, which means that I know that I am the navigator of my own destiny (and thus perhaps the meaning of life is as much as you yourself want to determine for yourself) which is extremely self-empowering, and that in this understanding of pantheism I have found that alot of things can somehow be explained. I mean, to be able to marry science and religion is indeed a wondrous thing in itself already. It is a very abstract and intelligent faith so to speak, and what really strikes me is the humility behind its ways.

It personally doesn't bother me that I do not know what the meaning of life is supposed to be (as opposed to what kind of life I want to achieve for myself thus self-defining the meaning of life), how good and evil came about or if I will miss the truth when it stares me in the eye, amongst other things. Einstein, a pantheist himself, 'thought of God as revealing himself in the wonderful harmony and rational beauty of the universe, which calls for a mode of non-conceptual intuitive response in humility, wonder and awe which he associated with science and art. It was particularly in relation to science itself, however, that Einstein felt and cultivated that sense of wonder and awe.'

Essentially, what draws me to this faith is its all-encompassing ability to unify beliefs, understand with seemingly absurd clarity our place in this world and our potential to create, and stand side by side with nature and creation in an entirely unconflicting and humble manner.

In the words of Einstein, "Science can only be created by those who are thoroughly imbued with the aspiration toward truth and understanding. This source of feeling, however, springs from the sphere of religion. To this there also belongs the faith in the possibility that the regulations valid for the world of existence are rational, that is, comprehensible to reason. I cannot conceive of a genuine scientist without that profound faith. The situation may be expressed by an image: science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Late Night, Come Home; Work Sucks, I Know

Politikal Sai-yence all the way til 4am just.

I must, however, say that political science is at once alluring in wit as it is extremely intellectual. Admittedly, all that reading has trained my comprehension to reach a certain unprecedented level thus far, rendering BGS and econs stuff pertaining to those such as globalisation, supply and demand and investments pretty much jiao wei. I will definitely hold a political science major student in a different, probably more esteemed light from now on, because it is seriously a very intellectual subject to study and it really takes some character to meet those challenges posed by the sciences of policy-making.

Our last meeting for our presentation next week opened up a debate that eventually based itself on philosophical grounds. In a discussion of rational choice theory, as always the definitions of what is truly rational becomes a bottomline for contest, as we attack away the subjective aspects of the issue and deadlock at what's left. We were then relegated to 2 distinct schools of thought: can EVERYTHING eventually fall under the broad umbrella of rational choice? Or is there another set of forces that govern what we do without us knowing, and thus rendering our actions independent of making rational choices altogether? In typical circular argument fashion, we couldn't decide whether or not the perceived independent part, described by Clifford Geertz as symbolic interactionism, is a stand-alone and is permanently independent from making rational choices, or if it is eventually still a part of rational choice in eventuality.

Heavy duty thoughts aside, I've been playing Tower Bloxx on Facebook, the next thing since Scrabulous that I ever really used Facebook in frivolous fashion for (aside from the more practical aspects of storing photos and keeping in touch with friends in a really trivial manner), and now everyone's on it. I've watched the leaderboard grow from like 4 people to more than 10 now and, while I'm tops with 111 blocks, the scores are steadily rising and gaining ground too! Feelin' the heat man.

In totally random and pointless fashion, at times I think nothing beats instant gratification in a simple sense. When I'm hungry, I would love to have my food immediately, because once that hunger is gone, the food wouldn't taste as good as it might. When a lecturer's drawl starts to induce sleep, I would LOVE to be able to sleep. I really think that's one of the best ways to sleep so much so that I think such therapy of allowing people to attend some kinda workshop just to let them sleep by engaging a really lousy speaker would be fantastic. And that's also why I don't like watching Just For Laughs sometimes on TVMobile (aside from the fact that I'm motion-sickness prone). I can't really laugh out loud, and I always enjoy a good guffaw.

Economies Of Scale

I got my laptop back on Monday only for it to crash again, so I had to send it back to Edwin for another fix. I have no idea what's wrong with it and it's been a real pain to deal with of late, especially when it's an additional burden (both of having to deal with, and of not having a laptop to do work with) amongst other things I have to worry about.

So I'm using my dad's laptop that functions at frikkin' jet fighter speed but it's okay 'cos I really miss being connected to the world from my bed.

Actually, I guess political science seriously takes the cake out of the 'amongst other things' I'm talking about. I'm doing this unofficial jigsaw group thing with Isaac and Angie and others who wanna join and I really hate it because I'm at best a responsible bummer and at worst a vitriolic apathetic. Personally, when I'm not interested, I'm really just not interested and nothing can get me going on it. So when I've read pol science readings to the point where I seriously don't wanna continue, I'd just really forget it and not bother to read.

But in this jigsaw group thing, I can't do that! And it really pisses me off to know that I can't just stop reading when I don't feel like it already because I'm responsible for someone else's knowledge. So far I've had 2 sessions already and each session just kills me. I will be doing this for another week because it's my presentation next week. I'm truly at my production possibilities frontier, after which I guess I'll just allow myself to get into a recession, 'cos honestly I really can't be more bothered about it. I think this is really starting to remind me of the time I decided to unofficially drop social studies in secondary school. Yes I know, "huh can drop meh?" You can't. So I just basically stopped paying attention, stopped studying and after awhile stopped attending classes. Literature saved my humanities component of the 'O' levels.

Anyway I was at NUS on saturday to supposedly catch Sab in action for the inter-hall soccer games but she sprained her ankle last minute and so couldn't be fielded. I had the privilege of watching 2 matches, though she thinks it was embarassing to have me come all the way down to see them lose. Then she was telling me about a life of mediocrity later, but there's a somewhat abstract relation to all this with some other thoughts I had.

I've never really had any real success at soccer myself, though I'd consider myself a 'got pedigree' player, aside from the little juggling competitions I win every now and then but that's really peanuts. There's always a time when you're young and only 15 years old and running circles around the older guys, being the one to look out for. Time passes, and now I'm the older guy. Though I don't let 15 year-old kids run circles around me, there isn't really much in it for me anymore and university will pass without me partaking in any varsity soccer games, arguably the last chance at playing soccer institutionally and meaningfully. I'm still playing competitive street soccer games every now and then, and weekends are still spent at the neighbourhood street soccer courts kickassing, but for how long more? We used to scoff at the oldies who'd hog the court but soon it'll be my turn to start seeing kids 5 years younger than me jump in and takeover.

And this is Sab's last IHG also, so I decided that there's no harm having a look. It's interesting watching girls play soccer anyway. Emo stuff aside, I didn't go there to watch it for the glamour of winning; it was indeed quite warming to see the universalities of emotions pertaining to the sport, and they say that the emotional aspects of the ladies' game can be much higher.

I think there's a lot more I'd probably wanna say but I'm not half done with the stuff I have to prep for tomorrow's pol science meeting and it's bloody 1am already. Anyhooser, I'm gonna put up a post from the past with each new entry I post so yeah y'all can look out for that one. Some of the stuff written's quite g4y but it's for archiving and nostalgia's sake.

The First Single

What's there not to love about Singapore? I just travelled around most of the significant places when I went from home to Queensway to many other places in between and finally back to SMU (yes, on a Sunday, and enough with the asking cos its pissing me off. School is town anyway) and it barely took me 3 hours. Here is a place we honestly do not need proper directions for, and every convenience store really is a convenience store. For those who get mugged or end up in road accidents... Well, you probably took the safety for granted.

Anyway, so marks the first paragraph of Pointless Philosophy, and how better than to kickstart it with... Well, totally pointless random thoughts? Ruminations generated off long bus rides.

I suppose to address some 'concerns' at hand, let's just say that I'm really past it when it comes to saying I have aspirations of being a web designer (this is analogous, so don't take it literally). So that inherently makes all my anti-blog, pro-HTML efforts quite pointless and to the point where I do get lazy and put off blogging (yes I've officially defected to the army of conforming bloggers now so I shall use that term very indiscriminately from now on) because it's just quite a pain to do so most of the time when I have to activate Dreamweaver (or freakin' notepad when I'm inspired to post without my laptop), work out the code, and then activate more programs to upload it via FTP. I'm through with that.

So from where I last left off, I must say I owe alot of the memorable moments I had last month to everyone who had made the effort to celebrate my birthday. I've always said that it's a quantum leap from 0 to 1 (by this I mean, for example, the difference between 0 and 1 is infinitely more than 1 to 10, which is mathematically true), so it has been absolutely amazing finding that from not expecting anything at all, you end up having 3 birthday celebrations. I did not ask for anything and I couldn't have asked for more.

There was Kee's very trademarked cute surprise of the small cake and impromptu candle(s?) on set at Food For Thought, and I've always liked the simplicity of it all. Thanks for the "practical gifts" (in your own words) and the shirt; you know I always never end up getting down to buying the things I need haha.

There was the RK supper I innocuously organised which was transformed into a total birthday celebration complete with a really nice cake (one of the seriously better ones I've had, which is quite a thing to say since I don't like pastry), and thanks to all who chipped in some way or other to make this happen (including the nice soccer shoes which I just changed for a correct fit and will probably never wear to play soccer in considering my damaging style of play); I'll be repeating this next haha.

And last but not least the BBQ and so-called 'real' celebration at Yitwen's. I doubt I'd wanna recollect and verbalise the debaucherous events of the night (other than stating the obvious fact that the influence of alcohol can be quite potent on group effervescence), but I know all of you enjoy the fact that I puked with my hands in my pocket 'cos I'm cool like that so I'll proudly and publicly announce it here. Hoho.

Thanks once again to everyone. And a special mention to our resident party-planner Yinyin, without whom the brains of all this would've been non-existent and we'd probably end up forcing me to go down to NYDC or something for a boring dinner just for the sake of it.

So there, I've blogged about 'stuff' like you've wanted me too. Haha. On behalf of everyone, stop emo-ing already! You know you deserve more than the shit you put yourself through. :]

This must mildly be what it feels like to be a celebrity, because you just go out there and do your thing while everyone else does the saikang for you. Now that livejournal settles the posting crap for me, it's much less a pain to just blog more regularly I guess. And dispense more pointless philosophy for your pointless reading.

I might continue my stupid say-of-the-days and listenables but not for now.

First-Week-Of-School Typicality

Believe it or not, I played LAN today. It was originally supposed to be a complete noobfest but Mojo Eugene the really g4y camper/sniper pro joined us and duly got 60+ frags while the rest of us lumbered with our decimal kill ratios so it wasn't quite the picture I had in mind, but it was all good clean fun nonetheless. And those endless girly squeals from the ladies who've never played LAN before when they frag the guys will remain memorable indeed.

First week of school, with first-week-of-school typicality flying all around from the people you'd expect it the most - "How's school man", "Who's your prof?" and "First week only and the library is / GSRs are so packed already!" It really does serve to irritate, but I try my best to entertain/patronise. Perhaps I should have a model answer prepped for these questions.

The thing is... Personally, I'm someone who mostly simply isn't interested to know. Know what, well that depends. But the bottomline is that, for example, during the holidays, when I go to school and I meet people along the way, I'm not interested to know why you're there. But it is precisely this apathy that leads to the other party then snatching at the chance to ask me what I am doing in school, and more often than not the last thing I want when I'm out and about is to stop to make small talk that seriously doesn't matter at the end of the day. So I often provide a false answer that enables me to give a reply and get me off any potential conversation. Because the fact of the matter is that saying the truth, which is that I'm in school to use the internet or do my work, simply entails an incredulous "what??" and begs a justification of my reply. And well, this is just the trivial school part. This attitude of mine is sometimes applicable to more important matters but I'll just leave it at this.

But anyway yes, first week of school has been alright because both the excitements and disappointments have neutralised themselves to a nullified okay la. It could've been a lot better, especially with Creative Thinking, but it could've been a lot worse with modules such as Econs. But it's still too early to say anyway. Let's just say that Angie's hottie prof Rahul Sagar gives me the feeling that it's gonna be a very uptight term with him in charge, and an introduction to BGS has left me feeling a bit inadequate especially with the stuff on investments, dividends, shareholders etc.

Having wednesday and thursday off is pretty swell because I'll have solid days off to complete readings and regain sleep.

Went for mambo night on wednesday during the final week of the holidays because it was somewhat criminal not to do so when even Yitwen was onz about going. With any random turnout, a pub date would've been possible but it's always hard to get such a good turnout for clubbing, so I went. The crazy thing was that I took my IPPT the very next day. I think I've pissed enough people off trying to say that I have indeed deproved when I'm still getting the gold, so I'll just leave it at that (I really believe age is a factor in my fitness decline). $400 for myself for my birthday swee.

They're incorporating olympics technology into the fitness test now though, which is pretty cool 'cos it just is. Shuttle run, in my opinion, is a lot easier now because the timer starts only when you start running, which discounts your reaction time. The sit up machine even stoicly counts for you. The funk and the works.




Don't steal; the government hates competition.

Today's Listenables:
Take That - Rule The World

Holidays In A Nutshell

Getting my blog-lazy ass moving in the aftermath of a new year's eve celebratory gathering and about 6 or 7 taupoks. Old school stuff! And Yitwen has got to be the joke of the day for missing in a taupok. Yes, one can be in such a wrong state of mind that you can miss.

About a week ago, it's been 3 years of being in a relationship and I've found myself suddenly in the (possible) predicament of perhaps not doing/having any plans on days such as Christmas and New Year's Eve and for a moment the feeling sank in. Not that it would've really bothered me much in the end but the fact that this sensation/emotion/whatcamacallit has surfaced has left me mildly pensive and amused somewhat.

Christmas was salvaged with a last minute gathering at Mikaela's really ulu abode where we watched White Chicks and Borat and played some really cool alternative party games that Jacq brought, one of which is called Secret Agenda and was a hit that night. Then we tried to play it again on booze yesterday night at Jacq's and I think it got distorted out of proportion. But the gathering at Jacq's was pretty fun and I really think everyone more or less enjoyed themselves practically on a non-existent plan/schedule. Alcohol saves the day yet again!

Went to Klang, a town a little off Kuala Lumpur for 4 days, which was actually very much like a long-distance stayover at Yin's place with Richard, Angie and Mikaela where we did away with all the touristy stuff and basically enjoyed good food and company at ridiculously low prices. Like seriously, at RM60 for rice with dishes for 5 people, that's about a little less than S$6 per head and here in Singapore you can't even get a small stingray at some places. And I think we Kbox-ed for what seemed like nothing, and their music selection even includes Rammstein, Black Sabbath, 30 Seconds to Mars and Korn. wtf man Singapore Kbox is shit.

And not forgetting the Enchanted movie for around S$3.

The whole trip just felt like one whole long day punctuated by little naps in between cos 4 days flew by in a breeze. There were nights we watched movies like Shutter and Stardust and others just having supper, and every night without fail we'd stay up really late either watching stupid Girly Man videos or talking. Every night we had our 'nap' later and later, and because Klang is the town famous for bah kut teh and they only serve that in the morning, in order to savour the local delicacy we skipped sleep just to have some at 8am on the last day. Crazy stuff but great memories nonetheless.

He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

Today's Listenables:
By The Wayside - Long Time Waiting

'L' Is For The Way You Laugh At Me

I'm basking in the post-exam rarefaction of doing things I know I had time to do either way but couldn't get started simply cos... Being in school and having lessons and all that; well the inertia is upped multiple times. Of lotsa social catching up to do, reading, doing nothing; of getting results back, the inevitable onslaught of social comparison and discovering that I'm in an unenviable position, but it's still not so bad. How bad could it be anyway? There could be an infinitively huge number of ways I could superficially justify why smelling C twice in first term isn't that bad but that's not quite the thing. In the bigger scheme of things this is way too inconsequential to bother me.

Been running as much as I can in between the incessant raining. And age is indeed catching up with my 2.4km timing. :[

Watched (of all things) Magorium's Magical Emporium with Angie, Mikaela and Leonard (the funniest thing has to be Angie's reaction to the squid woman); went to Derek's with Nat to get trashed at foosball by Derek; and soccer at the Kallang Cage for the first time. That's the last week in a nutshell.

In 4 days or so I'll be going to Klang, just a little off Kuala Lumpur, with Richard and my social science friends. It's just freakin' Malaysia but it's quite significant for me cos I'm not much of a traveler (for reasons that have always been made questionable by my traveler friends; and it seems like in SMU people travel alot!) and I've never traveled without the folks before. It's one of those little things I've always wanted to do if I could only get past the initial reluctances, somewhat like craving to be in the driver's seat of my own car blasting music I wanna hear.

I'm finally done with Prozac Nation, and while I've been telling my friends that I don't think it's fantastic cos it's full of emotional rhetoric and there isn't really any epiphany to draw from the whole reading experience, the ending really took me by surprise. Elizabeth Wurtzel states in her epilogue that if the reader ever found the book agitating for reasons I've just mentioned, then it has served its purpose because depression is a narcissistic ailment and the reader is experiencing the frustration of having to deal with a depressive here of sorts.

And I cannot discredit some of the book's philosophy also, albeit full of negativity but talks of things such as 'love is a victim of circumstances' which have been good resultant conversation fodder in the light of other more trivial pointless philosophy of late, such as the ladder theory. It's been awhile since I've engaged myself in anything really edgy and deep, though Yinyin may have a case with her definitions of perversive behaviour, but I'm enjoying the mental vacuum for now. Need a new book to get started on.

But anyhooser:

Scenario 3: A girl says any of the following to you:

• "You're like a brother to me"
• "You're like a big teddy bear".
• "I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
• "You're so nice"
• "Can you help me with my homework"

Ladder Theory Explanation: You are on the friends ladder. So Sorry.

These and many other funnies and debatable truths at Ladder Theory. I was having random thoughts when I was thinking about how structured and unstructured the whole idea of the development of love can be at the same time, and its subsequent unpredictability. And here's just a random salute to the bystander nice guy whom the girl in the sour relationship counts on to pour out her sorrow, cos he's doomed to her friends ladder.

The development of love can be as intriguing as it is close to our hearts as humans I suppose. No matter how much you try and disqualify it as puerile idle talk amongst the silliness of youth, it will continue to baffle even the greatest minds and perhaps act as the perfect down-to-earther for anybody. We can always count on the frivolity of love to add a touch of personality to even the most estranged of protagonists and antagonists in movies.

Pity the poor egg. It only gets laid once.

Today's Listenables:
Forty Foot Echo - Hollow

NUS Hall-Life - A Layman's Ethnography

This is a replacement for the post about my NUS stayover that got deleted by accident.

During the study break, I decided to head down to NUS and bunk in with Khairul on the pretext of studying for my finals. Of course, that I did, though I must say there were many other things I did that made it a lot less productive than I'd thought, but it's okay. So far, it's all been hearsay pertaining to this whole thing about hall-life and school culture and what SMU ain't got amongst other things, so I decided - to hell with the speculation; let's do this.

So I lugged my heavier-than-usual bag to that continent of a school (yes NUS and NTU seriously are continents on the map of Singapore) and was welcomed by the rain. There was quite a bit of hassle before I finally met Khairul up and settled in, but I shan't elaborate on that.

Firstly, over the course of days there, a clear distinction must be made between an NUS hall student and an NUS non-hall student. They're really very different people and if any SMU student wishes to say that NUS is more happening than SMU, well becareful which comparison is being made.

Hall-life is, of course, very happening. We're talking about a culture that exists on a few grounds. There is a tradition that is at least rich enough for this to be self-sustaining, unlike SMU I suppose.

When we talk about SMU's culture and tradition and lack thereof, I think it can be likened to Benedict Anderson's concept of nations being merely imagined communities; socially constructed and ultimately imagined and thus easily dissolved. SMU still has some way to go.

Also, the people in hall already want to partake in the activities offered. Either way, they're either genuinely enthusiastic or have no choice and thus want to make the most out of it. So there'll always be a demand for things to do and a supply of things to do.

There is a very high degree of social capital amongst those who stay in hall, not least because they almost see each other everyday. Staying in blocks and playing for blocks leads to a lot of bonding opportunities and hence everyone is very close-knit. When I was at Clementi with Sab, I found that she was always buying stuff back even though it entailed taking initiative and calling many people just to take their orders, and SMSing and then waiting for the replies if they couldn't be reached. Sab explained that this is a somewhat obligatory practice as it is commonplace to bring food back if you make a trip out of campus.

But even before hall-life even really kicks in, the notoriously raunchy NUS hall orientation camps have a huge part to play. It is no surprise when you realise that these camps are sponsored by SDU - to quite an extent, these activities are intended the way they are in spite of the numerous complaints from students and parents of students, etc alike.

Digressively, there are a couple of reasons for this. To curb the ageing population of Singapore, I guess this is about attacking the problem at the root - the academic elites who will eventually be career-minded people who will slacken off in the family-building area. Also, perhaps there's some degree of eugenics involved as they (whoever they are) wish for these academic elites to come together.

Anyway, in the end, any degree of awkwardness or insensitivity is eliminated as you'll find that there's nothing to feel bad about doing anything with anybody since you've already done whatever with whoever during orientation camp in the craziest of ways possible. So another 1-up for cohesion here.

I didn't really get to experience the vibrance of hall-life in full force as I bunked in with Khairul during the study break when everyone's more or less mugging. The difference is that most people mug in their rooms, so you don't get that shitty feeling of seeing so many people around in school studying their asses off like in SMU. But really, that doesn't mean that it's any less muggerish in NUS - the reverse could seriously be true (that SMU ain't as bad as NUS), especially when you start to factor in the non-hall NUS students.

You lose sense of time staying in hall. I seriously had no idea if I was eating lunch or dinner during my stay at NUS, as everyone wakes up as and when they like and do things irregardless of time. Supper is a really common activity and there are many cases to cater to this need of students. I met Jiamao at the Sheares Hall canteen during one such supper.

Everyone dresses in PJs and slacks so there's an abundance of girls in FBT shorts haha. Sab says all you have to do is put on a pair of proper shorts and people will start asking, "eh, going out ah?" I felt somewhat out of place with my berms and slippers even; fashion in hall was understandably that much unimportant and non-existent (which I honestly like. In SMU, fashion is a major part of culture).

I'm not sure if I left out any other facets of observation during my stay at NUS, but on the whole, while there were many expected things, there were also interesting things to learn and it was fascinating seeing the differences between a hall kind of university vis-a-vis SMU. I think it'd be really swell to bunk in during a more bustling part of the term, though I'm not factoring in the awkwardness of being a stranger in a place of extremely high social capital.

If there's really one thing I'd pinpoint about everything, it'd be that there is a lot more happiness to gain from having a good social life than getting good grades. SMU students falter in their attempts to be content because their pursuits inherently do not causate with happiness. To achieve that, we're all better off making time to form genuine social bonds.




If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Today's Listenables:
Fall Out Boy - The Carpal Tunnel Of Love

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[22/7/2010 0147h caveat]

Given my awareness that a sizeable number of people happen to read this post, I think it is necessary for me to state that my view on hall life or communal hostel living isn't as rosy now as it was back then.

Actually, that's mincing my words regarding how opposed my present views are in relation to those here.

However, the thoughts of this post were true to me at the time of writing, and I will not alter them.

Of School Culture And The Like

School can get unbelievably busy at times. That might sound like an extreme understatement to make for a LOT of other SMU people out there because everyone is seriously stressing themselves out. Maybe I might have less to do, but that doesn't explain I'm fretting alot less than my classmates. I guess I'm really an anomaly of sorts. Though I'm indeed busier than before, it's not like I'm spending 40 hours in the library mugging my ass off.

Which brings me to the recent development of events about SMU's culture which has come under question and under fire, culminating in the very timely release of a SMU documentary reflecting what we've become and why, done by a year 1 by the name of Joshua Nair. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16rJwoi96fM. It is an impressive piece of work.

In a nutshell, in my opinion it reflects both sides of the picture - those who have lost hope in SMU's culture and those who haven't - and touches on a brief bit of SMU history before semi-concluding about why things are the way they are now, while at the same time giving the viewer space to reflect as well.

3 or 4 years at the Bukit Timah campus has given rise to a culture that definitely rang of being different. The old campus had a very open structure that gave everyone space to think, share, connect and reflect, and was set away from the hectic pace of the city. A culture then grew that truly prided itself in being different from NUS and NTU and was one that eventually flourished with innovation, vibrancy and energy. With that culture in place, the school then relocated to it's current city campus where it nestles with its cold, clinical structure. Each faculty building is set apart from each other if not for a stoic underpass that joins Dhoby Ghaut to City Hall. The structure of the underpass is such that everyone just flows along, with as much discouragement for communication as possible. Unless you really had something to do there, nobody in their right mind would really just start standing around in the underpass and hold a decent conversation. Of course, there are other places such as Frujch and the Big Steps to do so, but the underpass forms the physical heart of the school and this is eventually manifested in the soul of its students. We then become cold and calculated and everyone just moves along to their next practical destination, and when we're done most of us would just wanna go home and stay away from school as much as possible (the irony is that you can't! Haha). And for most people, finally being able to find a bench or room somewhere would dictate that you'd plonk into your seat and whip out your laptop to do more work.

We speed from class to class day after day and lasting friendships are hard to come by unless a special effort is made. That doesn't sound like an issue in itself, you might say, because it is afterall the onus of the individual to decide if he wants to make friends, but the flipside is that the school system simply does not encourage an enriching social life amongst other things other than giving students the perpetual impression that studying and grades is the only thing that matters in SMU.

You can say, "alright, I'm gonna get to know some new friends in school." Then you go to class, but you find that unless you already have friends there, it's hard to just sit beside someone on the pretext of making friends, cos they'll usually already have their own friends they're sitting with and the ones sitting alone are often foreign students (what this implies, I'll leave it to you to think). Then perhaps you'd think, "okay it can't be that bad, maybe I'll make more friends when I get to do project work with people, since I'll get to hang out with them more often in pressure-cooker fashion." But still this doesn't always work, especially when most people are rushing from class to class just so as to return to our original social lives. Once the project meetings are over, it's not common to hear that your groupmates have other commitments and "gotta go", leaving your dinner plans void once again if you haven't got many friends.

So these coupled with the fact that alot of people do not really bother unless they're told (the school is primarily made up of Singaporean Business students anyway) create the atmosphere and subsequently the culture that is seemingly prevalent right now.

Perhaps a bunch of competitive dragon year girls coming in also paints a bleaker picture.

While I have personally been unaffected by the stress because I refuse to be embroiled in it on more grounds than one which I will mention later, a vicious cycle of anxiety has been created by the individual himself/herself and I don't really see how this will break unless either the system makes a change or the majority is able to take a step back and realise that all this GPA-chasing isn't the real deal. I am unaffected because my very reasons for coming to SMU to study psychology stems from a different one from most of the other business or accounting people (I cannot discredit those who know they want to study business or accountancy because they like it, but the truth is most of them choose these disciplines because of superficial or material reasons or that they have no idea what they want to do). I study psychology here because I know I want to study it and the value I see in this is more than just a good grade. And the inherent difference is that I could very well flunk my grades but I wouldn't feel a thing because that's not what I'm interested in. I am happy enough to be able to study psychology in a school that puts more emphasis in presentations than examinations.

There was this guy who said he can't believe he spends 40hrs in the library every week (and disillusioned as he is, he still continues to do it!) simply because he has a personal agenda to meet and he just can't bear to let up in the 'effort' (that is an illusion in itself that undoubtedly has been created by everyone else like him) by trying to be different, and compromise on his own goals. Heck, I hardly even spend a minute in the library a week. Perhaps many others feel turdy because they simply chose the 'wrong' school.

Which brings me to my next point. Many people come to SMU with a set of expectations and when those expectations aren't met, then there is anxiety that contributes to the vicious cycle of unhappiness. Many people are told that university life is slack and that it's fun and you can still have a social life, so people establish expectations that include a generous amount of social life. But considering the aspect of social life expectation simply cannot be met because the student can't get himself or herself to let up on the academic rat race doesn't help at all and eventually people start to question what the school has promised. The video even has one person who goes on to declare that she feels cheated. Why? Because nobody expected SMU to be like NUS and NTU and most people join SMU because they didn't wanna be an NUS/NTU kinda student. And the biggest irony is perhaps that this has been brought on by each and every stressed out student who couldn't see that stress is only as much as you'd allow it to affect yourself.

To sum things up, for most of the unhappy people at SMU, the lack of social enrichment due to the school structure and system together with the stress from all angles make school a shitty place to be. The tagline that SMU is different then becomes blurred, and people start saying they might as well have went to NUS or NTU. 3 or 4 years in the old campus with the culture somewhat established, and a total change of environment and barely 3 years on, SMU is still a young university. Give it time; we're only just beginning to shape (or reshape if you will) our culture. The video couldn't have put it any better in the ending: do you dare to be different?

It's study break tomorrow onwards and I've got plans in bits and pieces. I'm crashing Khairul's hostel at NUS on tuesday. Liz has started the ball rolling on considering ZoukOut '07 (I've never been to one and this year will be the last? That's quite some imperative). There's a trip down to Klang on the 17th of December with the Social Science people so I've gotta update my passport.

LTB has FINALLY come to a close much to my relief. I've had my management communications individual oral presentation which was pretty alright though I thought could've been better, and a couple of other presentations and reports along the way. I think something just isn't clicking for me with sociology because I haven't been doing too well although I thought I'd do alright. Leonard's also done with his LTB championing the removal of discrimination against gays, something I'd wanted to talk about too and have been researching about myself for my psychology essay, but I'll have to leave that to another time.

Met Sab on friday and brought her down to SMU to catch a gig, and then we ended up going to Starbucks to talk all the way til 2am. Despite what every skeptical SMU student thinks, every outsider really believes SMU is different. Even the Indian taxi driver ("SMU is a weli goot school!" *thumbs up)

And yes Arsenal is the greatest joy to watch at the moment. Seriously contemplating a conversion of faith here haha.




Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Today's Listenables:
Fall Out Boy - I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off Me And You

It's been over 2 weeks since I kept in touch with the anonymous masses who surprisingly make the hit counter on this site jump, and of course friends who actually still bother dropping by.

CCA's been a problem because of a couple of things. It's a little weird why I still haven't been able to give soccer a shot yet, and alot of it has to do with there not being an opportunity to enter it somewhat. It doesn't really help that I don't know any of the year 1s who are in there now, and they joined way before school started. Post-trials, it's been very quiet.

Then there's Samba Masala. I love the music and the people are great and all that, but there's very obvious commitment problems. And with the introduction of next year's exchange program to Helsinki, it's hard to not show interest in going when the rest are really hoping everyone can go. Like, sincerely. And amidst all the complications leading up to me being abit in too deep now, quitting is gonna be a problem.

377A has been kept after the petitions because of the landslide victory (about 16k vs 8k). I voted to repeal, but it isn't really the result that matters. The fact that such a consideration has been made does show progress already and it's about time cos Singapore's very late amongst developed countries to tackle the issue.

There have been lots of opportunities for me to do my homosexuality research and discussions, both formally in the form of reports and informally in the form of small deep talk with people. It's been cool cos it's really interesting to be able to convert all that trivial conversation of sorts into something I can formally work on in school for research and such. On my psychology research paper, I'm working not so much on whether being gay is a nature or nurture problem, but rather on the social and psychological repercussions of repression of sexuality.

Mid terms seem well so far, with my stats notching a respectable 22/30 considering I totally didn't study, and 81% for psychology which is 5% above the mean, also with minimal mugging done. I wonder if I could have a personal aim of attempting to listen in class hard enough to resort to not needing to study for my social science related papers. Awaiting sociology now.
In a flash, mid term break is over (like over a week ago already) and 1 week holidays don't mean a thing cos I need more than just a week to actually be able to switch into a 'the holiday mood's sinking in feeling', even IF I choose to believe it's a holiday unlike almost every other SMU student. I had so much trouble finding supper buddies that I even resorted to going down on my own.

Talked to Chris quite some time ago. The fast-paced, no fixed class culture of SMU is such that you hardly get opportunities to form very strong bonds with anyone, and all this is in the light of SMU's networking, corporate objective - to mirror the working world and all of it's practical glory. Let's say you're someone who thinks you can go to school and then perhaps meet some girls and find a girlfriend or something, it's not even that simple. Even after all the group meetings (where you unarguably spend more personal time with people unlike normal classes), people still very much have their own personal lives established prior to SMU to go to; or at least they'd rather be there.

The whole structure of Singapore's educational upper class is such that most guys will end up dating girls 2 years younger than them. I don't really have an objective opinion about that other than the fact that the whole NS thing does have its impact on the sociological structure of those within the academic upper class, which does make me wonder what happens if there wasn't any of this.

My LTB project is in Seventeen magazine's October issue. And also, I'm active on Facebook now because of Scrabulous. Open for challenges now! Alright Dudley's birthday in an hour or so. Ciao.




Love your enemies! It really gets them confused!

Today's Listenables:
The Juliana Theory - Shotgun Serenade

It's term break and I'm lucky enough to have ended all my papers already, so I've been mostly focused on projects, a little bit of Samba and getting myself back in order for a bit. I keep getting fucked each time I have a 0830h lesson and there are two nicely spread out ones in the week so I get screwed up quite a little.

I'm liking my attachment to the school compound. I mean like seriously there's soccer at Ice Cold B's, the ultimate budget chillout places in Mr Tea and Frujch (with live bands even) and foosball tables all around so I'm not complaining.

I haven't watched Resident Evil 3 and I don't suppose I ever would. But I've always had an opinion that zombies based on curses, witchcraft and the like are more intriguing than zombies based on some chemical freak accident. I aired that view at the expense of being ridiculed by my friends, but why not? Zombies that rise from the dead because they have been summoned by something mysterious and evil are cooler than chemical zombies!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Today's Listenables:

Nickelback - Rockstar

The Pain Of Being Unburdened

All the talking with friends new and old have generated lotsa interesting topics of discussion but it's a pity I won't ever get to put them all here. Amongst them, you have girl-favourite topics like 'friends and potentials' and how you define them and stuff, but that's so yesterday and I'm lazy to go the whole hog all over again.

An interesting topic that was raised though was on the unbearable lightness of being. As it were, humans are an emotional species that live to be burdened and it is such that you as a human will continue to revisit those moments of unhappiness, sometimes even consciously in doing so, or so this theory attempts to say. This is because having nothing to worry about and to be unburdened makes life weightless and this weightlessness makes life insignificant in some ways, making it unbearable.

Which ties in with some concepts that Fight Club raised. If you are God's middle children - the ones likely to be forgotten - would you prefer hell or nothing? It is easy to choose an answer that goes "anything is better than hell" because of your pre-conceived Christian notions of hell but if you consider that nothing means that God has 'forgotten' you (in this case God never forgets since he is all knowing, so he has chosen to forget, or perhaps forsake), would you rather die to be addressed and punished or live a life where your God has been oblivious to you?

I might revise this post because I am too tired to type coherently now.




If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Today's Listenables:
Further Seems Forever - New Year's Project

There are a couple of markers that indicate how free I am, one of which is my intensity of Scrabble playing, and another being able to blog. School has been absolutely crazy, not to mention sub-editing work always being a niggling pain at the back.

Anyhow, LTB is this module which stands for Leadership and Teambuilding that we've gotta do as a compulsory first year mod. It entails designing a community service project and then executing it. We're working with Seventeen magazine and Children At Risk Empowerment, and it's a really jumpy project cos it's real time stuff we're dealing with here.

Things have been going smooth my way (I say this because things seem to not be going smooth for anybody else) other than for two... hiccups. One was when I was conversing with this damn elite RJC girl and I'd meant to say "neighbourhood JCs FTW" after I said I was from NYJC and I think I kinda said it in a rather subdued manner, so I suppose she thought I was being self conscious and afterward went on to do her mock "aiya its seriously okay" thing. And for some gay reason I got affected by it cos in a pygmalion effect way of looking at it, I suddenly felt that I seemed inferior (i.e. in manner of behavior) to her.

The other moment was on tuesday when serious crunch time culminated into my stats homework not being done yet and sociology midterms being on wednesday, for which I haven't studied, and I had to tend to CARE and later go for samba til very very late. For once I really felt I needed to deal with something badly but the circumstances simply couldn't let me, and it's like... I was being impeded from doing the things I wanted/needed to do, ironically because the things I want to do and I'm actually doing are stopping me from doing those other things I need to do.

Enough of school and shite. I've always wanted to talk about other stuff on my posts but I don't ever seem to be able to do so in recent times.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Today's Listenables:
Sick Puppies - My World

Let's Go

I'd meant to update for the longest time but lately school's been really busy and I've been getting a little addicted to Wordbiz, which is basically online Scrabble. I think I can safely say that I spent at least 10hrs playing Wordbiz over the weekend, whether I'm at home or with my laptop in school, which kinda sucks.

On school, It's 4th week already and work's been piling up. Creeps up and then strikes like a silent hammer. Stats really sucks. I think over the course of post-JC and NS I developed a very unmathematical mind such that I'm a little resistant to stats knowledge now; it's like I'm worse off now than I was in JC.

Psychology and sociology classes have been really good so far, except that the lessons all seem a bit too vague. I'm afraid the silent hammer strike might occur for the exams.

LTB is the really irritating module where we have to design a community service project and carry it out. It's not the hours per se that we have to put in that really screws things up - it's just that shit pops up all over the place and quite unexpectedly too. I'm just thankful I've got pretty swell groupmates that make this such a less painful process. I've heard stories from friends about their groups which paint such bleak pictures.

On girls, 1988 basically is a population boom and with the guys all in green and shipped off to a foreign island, you have a lot of the other half - girls. For some reason I find that 1988 girls tend to be somewhat uptight (some post-NS guys have this trait too), competitive and naive. Considering the extremely high cut-off grades that SMU can afford now to impose on its entry, you get a lot of girls who have straight As but have no idea what they wanna do in life; i.e. basically just theory people. Whenever I engage in initial conversation with any of them, I have to put in some conscious effort to give them the benefit of the doubt. Unsurprisingly, many have complained about the SMU pedagogy (involving more emphasis on class participation and projects), which I am really fine with since exams have always been a huge threat to me. If you don't like it, harshly speaking you have chosen the wrong school.

As for the ladies from my 1986 batch, I've seen some around - Chris, Jayne, Michelle and Elizabeth - but they've all seemed to have moved on with their own studies and social circles for 2 years since we were shipped off to some foreign island.

As for the guys, it's on one hand just like one great big reunion and on the other, finding out how interconnected and small Singapore is.

Pre-uni fun lasted while it could which, I think, ended with the freshman bash over a week ago. I had to bunk in at Jianming's at 4am and then go for management comms lesson at 0830h. Others slept around the steps outside school I've heard. Richard didn't even make it to class haha.

Off to stats class wheeee.




Vacation begins when dad says, "I know a short cut!"

Today's Listenables:
Soul Asylum - Runaway Train

The Post-Hoc Evaluation

Commenced school to an all-time low with statistics class under Prof. Lin Ting Kwong, which was quite horrendous. I had trouble staying awake so I ended up playing Wordbiz (online Scrabble) with Yinyin.

People have been asking stuff like, "do you dread school starting?" Seriously mannnn... I am not happy or sad or angry about it, I'm just at acceptance with things, because school will start whether you like it or not, as if dreading it will help anything at all.

The past week's been the usual extended high I've been having for quite awhile, peaking with Zouk on wednesday and then crashing at Jianming's hostel. We were dancing for like 6 hours, which was really the shit. Good company makes all the difference. It was probably my best clubbing experience so far. 6am back at hostel and waking at 1pm to find that you're already in town kinda rocks too. Haha. I'll be repeating this for the freshmen bash on thursday.

Convocation was really really bleah. And even though I might've pissed some people off for pulling out rather last minute from the performance thing I don't regret it at all. I had my 30 seconds of fame for leading the pirates cheer from FTB. "I don't need that," I said when the MC passed the mic. Godly!

I've had my fair share of people doubting my reasons when I've stated that religion is why Kee and I have separated as a couple. I can understand how hard is it to fathom something like that for the layman, but to really understand why, you'd have to look into our personalities, perspectives and aims, goals and purposes in life. To us, love didn't simply mean going out all the time and calling each other every other night. Love can be defined by very tangible means but if that's the way you do yours then well the lack of superficiality in ours made things all the more difficult.

Considering that christianity doesn't take into consideration any other form of faith other than that of Jesus Christ, my pantheistic inclinations, even though encompassing of the prevalence of God itself, wouldn't have been acceptable. And I know very clearly that there are so many implications and complications if we continued to be together. I'd have been a hindrance to her growth in her faith, of which I know has benefited her alot and I certainly do not believe she should be denied the freedom to believe in what provides her spiritual well-being best. She would also feel very much compelled to try and convert me to becoming a christian, because I was more than just a friend. Those are just two of a myriad of other problems.

And consider this. I know christians would love to punctuate their sentences with praises to the Lord. What would that make of our conversations? I'd probably go on about my quantum mechanics ideologies and why I think Bon Jovi still sounds the same after all these years while she'd wanna tell me about how Christ brings joy into our lives. While I'd love to affirm that with her just because I care for what she thinks, I'd be lying to myself about what I don't believe in. And at the end of the day you just realise all those conversations may eventually just not mean anything anymore to either of us, given the persons we are and the priorities of our conversations.

We both also feel that the priorities of life should all go hand in hand with each other. You can't just put your faith, your career or your relationship, just to name a few, at the apex of what's most important in your life - instead, they have to go hand in hand. Only then would life be worth any of those things at all.

It may be hard for some to see it this way, but I've loved her too much to keep her with me, especially in a relationship which would entail so many potential issues in future. Some will try and say that if our love was really strong enough we'd be able to overcome this. Well screw them then, they just don't get it past the shallowness and probably won't anyway.

It has been hard because there wasn't really a breakup due to anyone's fault, there was no decline in love, and there is no anger to leverage any of this on. Simply put, breaking up not because there's no love left will be hard, and the love was brimming. As the years went by and our love grew, the barrier of religion just grew bigger between us, ominous yet surreptitious, until it became too huge to put aside anymore.

But we're really still friends, and perhaps more than just good friends because how do you just put aside all those things you know about each other, and all that spiritual and emotional connection you've had? Transcending the status was hard but we've helped each other through it and it's been alright.

I suppose in the bigger, more neutral, bystander perspective scheme of things, I'd just be a tool for a test on her faith, a little fork in the long road of her life, and she'd just be an example of what happens when you, as a christian, date a non-christian. Haha.




If each day was 48hrs, we'd all be younger

Today's Listenables:
Within Temptation - Ice Queen

The cumulative consecutive late nights kill me each time I'm out trying to do something and last night at Wala Wala I was like freakin' falling asleep even though The Unexpected were totally blazing hit after hit. Got home at 0230h and this morning went to play for The Horizons, Nicholas' sunday soccer team. Totally sucked cos my reaction and concentration was rock bottom, and shit happens when you play court soccer week in and out and suddenly play field soccer. It's like... So much space zomg so you end up running and running quite headlessly.

But the game soured into the second half and just after I subbed myself out the two sides started fighting. Like totally brawling man wtf. For me I've somewhat left such experiences behind in secondary school already, both in the sense of myself succumbing to such acts of idiocy as well as observing such puerile acts of childish mindlessness, and here were two teams with an average age of 24 I think, trying to sort pride issues out over sissy kicks, pushes and g4y trash talk. SERIOUSLY MAN.

Anyway, the game ended 3-2 in our favour prematurely, cos the fight got a little out of hand and the ref had to call it off before 90 minutes.

Nicholas asked if I wanted to continue playing for his team. I didn't reject the offer though I don't think I'll take it up eventually, because I know that my commitment level to these kinds of things is usually quite low.

The stayingouttillateeveryday has ensued for the rest of the week since wednesday - which was ended off with a very amusing and thoroughly enjoyable foosball session with Jianming and Yinyin at the hostel (where I duly pwned them; funny surprise was Yinyin's 7-0 KO of Jianming) - with StarringSMU coming to a very lousy close, and yesterday's Wala Wala trip.

StarringSMU got crappier and crappier and I totally skived the NDP display I was supposed to be a part of (which was also supposed to be the whole idea of and reason for StarringSMU itself). Instead, I went for the frisbee tryouts which was quite fun and later met Sabrina to meet up the rest of the couchsurfing people, only to be totally snuffed out by the insane crowd.

For the uninitiated, the idea of couchsurfing is about providing a 'couch' (a symbol for lodging) for people - some on budget travel, others who want to meet people - and in the process make new friends and share experiences and culture. Check out www.couchsurfing.com.

Wala Wala is host to EIC and The Unexpected, two top live pub performance bands in the business. For all live band fans, you've got to catch one or both of them in action, and for those who aren't fans yet, you just might be after!

Been playing lotsa Scrabble too, so I've resolved to get a Scrabble set to put at home.
So many things, so little time...




The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Today's Listenables:
Bon Jovi - Born To Be My Baby

I've been going to school every frickin' day since FTB ended. If it's not some official school activity, then it's using school as one of the coolest and most inexpensive places you can just head to in town to sit around. I can't see why people find this disturbing - the rationale is simple: anywhere else and you'd have to pay $5+ for chill out space; campus is totally free and if you even want board games, Mr Tea has drinks at less than $2 and are much nicer than many other places! And I haven't mentioned the selection range.

So as it were, I kickstarted this week by meeting Kee. I think we're good now, and it's really much better off this way for the both of us. I'm still having my fair share of friends who can't seem to comprehend why this is so, and I must admit that my very rational approach to this matter sounds more than cold considering the 3-year relationship we've been through, but it's not like we're not talking anymore. We've kinda transcended the boyfriend-girlfriend part into something else, and perhaps we were just meant to be that way. And it's not like its awkward when we hang out or anything. The laughs and great company - it's all still there, minus the romance.

So we watched The Simpsons, and I won't bother talking about the movie other than stating that I enjoyed it. I'm here to blog, not to report. Hah! Okay lousy I know.

So Kee and I talked about stuff, and well you lose some and gain some when stuff like this happens. There were things I wouldn't have said in the past that I'd tell her about now. But that's quite duh la.

Yinyin and Jianming moved into hostel on tuesday so I went over to check out the bunking area and it's pretty decent I'd say. For either $1.7k for a double room (shared with someone else) or $2.2k for a single room, you get lodging near school and in town which really rocks. Next time I have overnighters to pull, I'll bunk in with them.

Had fun showing Yinyin, who's a Malaysian, around town and playing Scrabble. Jianming joined us a little later and they accompanied me for the Samba Masala audition/interview, which went pretty well. Thankfully I was allocated an earlier timing, as the event snowballed and got pushed back quite late.

After that, Leonard and Jacq joined us to have supper and goof around Clarke Quay taking crap photos. It can be mildly therapeutic but guys like me have enough of it really quickly haha.

Today, wednesday, there was StarringSMU which is turning out to be a very frickin' lame CSP. We had to do this amazing race thingie (which is really blowing a hole in my wallet for transport alone) and eventually got pissed at the locations we had to go to so we did like 2 or 3 stations and then headed back to Cathay to bum while waiting for the cut-off timing to come.

I then met Qinhong and we played more Scrabble. Got a little too engrossed in the game that I missed the ending off for the day, and then he and I went to some GSR to practice some dance moves. I think I'm getting the whole handstand freeze business, though I'm still barely there yet.

Just so you should know, I've been shortlisted for the 'talent' thing during Convocation to do breakdancing and juggling, cos bloody Joel sabo-ed me. Gah.

So it's basically 1-2ams home each day recently. Tomorrow I'm skipping the StarringSMU NDP thing to go for frisbee. There's floorball, handball, softball and many other things coming up, but I'm kinda liking it this way for the time being. It's the people I'm meeting who're making this a very interesting time.




On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Today's Listenables:
Within Temptation - Final Destination

I know there's a lot I should be addressing but I haven't. Stuff that has been untouched since up to 3 months ago - the science of religion, the 'break up', the the the... - I just haven't found the time and energy to do so. I've been incredibly busy with many things varsity-related - orientation, community service, getting to know people, trying out CCAs, even thinking of forming a philosophy club - and time has truly flown.

I shall attempt to run through some recents.

Community service through StarringSMU kickstarted the meeting new people process after my summer term class ended and it was really the start of everything that would define the people I meet and the things I do with them nowadays. Last year, SMU was involved in the smiles campaign that saw collages of smiling people lining up MRTs and buses, so this year we are doing 'kisses for the nation'. Lazy to elaborate, and not that it really matters anyway. Then we did car washing to fund-raise, and we're gonna be involved in the NDP display by moving red and white umbrellas (that will form the national flag).

Then there was The Fourth Estate - Social Science Camp, which was quite fun because of the fantastic company of social science people. But after learning about other camps like Asoc and Bondue, I guess SocSC camp was actually pretty tame in comparison. But oh well.

A very recently, I had my Freshman Teambuilding Camp, which was just basically orientation camp. It didn't quite turn out that fantastically but I wasn't expecting much anyway so it was alright. The thing is that we had to undergo activities that assumed that your team was really well-bonded; anything less and you would'nt have been able to comfortably complete or win at the activities. So there were quite a number of instances where the failure to complete the activities caused the mood to nosedive. But of course there were some activities we excelled at, like rafting, which really put us on a high.

And yesterday, I went for the Samba Masala tryouts, which was really fun.

Today, we were at Kopitiam and we had this extremely engaging discussion regarding the value of sex and the definition of love and chemistry, which kinda led us to wondering if we could establish a philosophy club.

All in all, I made a lot of new friends and everything kinda gave me the time and space to keep my mind off things, whether I needed that or not.

That's the past 1-2 months truncated, with lotsa details, significant or not, left out.




I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Today's Listenables:
Trivium - A Gunshot To The Head Of Trepidation